The Life Of A Dark Master
by Taiki Matsuki
Summary: Funny short stories surrounding the lives of the Digimon Adventure 01 Villains. Uploaded with Original Author's permission. 12-23: Updated with VI: Kaiser Rolls!
1. I War Council Complainers

The Life Of A Dark Master  
I  
War Council Complainers

* * *

Piemon, the leader of the group known as "The Dark Masters." He was feared by all, just the sight of him brought out a terror that could only be rivaled by "It" or The Joker, and Piemon liked to believe that was up to debate - He was the scariest of clowns. The Joker and Pennywise had nothing on him! If anyone thought clowns were funny before meeting him, they'd change their mind after just a handshake.

His fellow Dark Masters, of course, were just as menacing: Pinocchimon - A twisted puppet out of Gepetto's worst nightmares. And Mugendramon - The "infinite dragon," a cold, calculating machine equipped with the strongest of cannons. Together they formed The Dark Masters. The reason for their alliace? The complete conquest of The Digital World, of course! What else would a group of all powerful Digimon with a name like "The Dark Masters" be up to? Knitting?

Of course, they needed help. Three Digimon cannot hope to take over the entire Digital World. Oh, no, no, no...Piemon needed help. He was even considering a fourth position among the "Dark Masters," should a worthy Mega-level Digimon appear before him. He did have a few good allies, but they didn't quite fit the profile of a "Dark Master," though one came frighteningly close...

The three "Devi brothers," as they were sometimes known, were Piemon's closest allies. Two-thirds of them at least. Devimon, the middle, served as Piemon's chief strategist. He may just be a champion level but he was one of the few champions that Piemon thought of as an equal, an honor not even most megas could hope for.

The eldest, Vamdemon, was Piemon's right hand man and ruler of a majority of the Server continent. He was as serious as they came and twice as strong. The youngest Devi brother, who hardly deserves mention, was PicoDevimon...Vamdemon's, lesser right hand mon ("right pinky" would be more fitting, but still a bit of a stretch). The Vampire would deny any relation, of course, and severely punish the little flying bowling ball for breathing a word of that "horrible rumor."

The other ally was one that Piemon...was not proud of. The "tech support" of the group - Etemon. Etemon was,,,"different," to say the least. The self-proclaimed "Digimon King," he was a genius when it came to programs and technology. His "Dark Network Project," when complete, will give The Dark Masters control over any portion of the Digital World remotely. Etemon has been testing the project in his domain, the deserts of Server.

And speaking of Server and its two rulers...

Piemon sat in his "war chamber," a decorated room in a once abandoned palace on Server. It was the unofficial headquarters of the Dark Masters, where they would plan their conquest with their subordinates.

Piemon turned to the doorway as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

LadyDevimon stepped into the room, bringing a tray holding a snifter of brandy. "Good evening, Lord Piemon."

"LadyDevimon," Piemon smiled. "and you brought my favorite drink, what a pleasant surprise...What's gone wrong?"

LadyDevimon chuckled, bringing Piemon his drink. "You have an unexpected visitor tonight. Our resident Night Flyer."

"Oh, Vamdemon?" Piemon took his drink, sipping it. "Bring him in, give him a drink. Surely there's some servant we can drain a pint or two from."

"I'll get right on it," LadyDevimon smiled. She walked off.

Piemon sat at the purple upholstered chair at the head of the table. On the table itself was a carved map of the Digital World. The table had just arrived, made by Pinocchimon's finest. The twisted little bastard knew his trees and woods...Almost as well as his guns.

Vamdemon stepped into the room. He gave Piemon a light bow. "...Lord Piemon."

"Vamdemon, have a seat," Piemon smiled, motioning to a number of chairs to one side of the table. The other side was reserved for Mugendramon, who was...a bit big for a chair, to put it lightly. A special path to the chamber was made solely for him and Digimon of his size. Piemon did mind how it looked, but Mugendramon's presence was, unfortunately, more important than his taste in home design.

"Thank you." Vamdemon sat down. LadyDevimon returned with a glass filled with a red liquid and brought it to Vamdemon. "...What vineyard?" He said as he sipped.

"Some Evilmon I caught sneaking food yesterday."

"Hm, a bold flavor. I'll remember that the next time I'm...at the market, let's say. Thank you."

LadyDevimon made her exit. Piemon sipped his drink, asking, "So what brings you?"

"I have come to formally complain about the current division of land." Vamdemon said.

"...Vamdemon, we gave you more than three quarters of Server. In fact, you have the largest land ownership out of all of us. What could you possibly have to complain about?" Piemon asked, almost offended.

"My complaint is that the remaining quarter of Server is ruled by a rock and roll obsessed primate," Vamdemon replied.

"What could be so bad about that? I know Etemon is...A little obnoxious at times, but..."

"He plays music loud enough for me to actually hear it despite the distance between us. His idea of being a 'good neighbor' was to throw a 'Welcome Batsy' barbecue in the middle of my castle's courtyard-_without_ any warning-which has caused significant smoke and fire damage as well as left what I can only hope is_ not_ a permanent odor of charred meat."

Piemon nodded. "I see."

"His Dark Network project has gone haywire to where it is effecting all television and radio signals in my domain. Though that is more of a problem for PicoDevimon than myself..."

"...You miss your soaps, don't you, Vamdemon?" Piemon smiled, Vamdemon is not one to acknowledge the existence of PicoDevimon unless he absolutely had to.

Vamdemon glanced away, quickly saying, "And, if I failed to mention it already, he is a rock and roll obsessed primate! I am at my wits end and all attempts to deal with him in a peaceful manner have been fruitless."

"...And attempts in a non-peaceful manner?" Piemon asked.

"Equally fruitless, but I at least feel a little bit better afterward."

Piemon sighed, "Complaint noted, I shall have a talk with Etemon about his behavior and music."

"Lord Piemon, I do not think that logical and coherent speech are skills that Etemon possesses. You would be wasting your time."

"Then I will have Pinocchimon speak with him."

A smile crept across Vamdemon's face. "If that is so, I will happily buy the bullets."

"I meant that they can talk on the same level."

The smile left Vamdemon's face, he said, "Lord Piemon, you put too much faith into one of them - But for the life of me, I cannot figure out which."

Piemon smiled. "Which is why the results will be most interesting, don't you think, Vamde-kun?"

Vamdemon rolled his eyes, taking a sip from his glass. "I simply want a good day's sleep, where I do not have to worry about Etemon waking me up or causing chaos in my domain."

"Well, we are having a war council tomorrow. I'm sure there's a couch somewhere in this place you can sleep on."

"I am not one to 'crash' on a couch," Vamdemon replied. "But I thank you for the offer."

"Oh, yes, you prefer coffins, right? Have yours brought over, I wouldn't mind. It would be like a sleepover!"

"...A sleepover?"

"Yes, I can just imagine the fun we'd have! Staying up late, drinking hot chocolate and using some Evilmon for target practice! Oh, it would be great!"

"...I would not object to the latter."

"But you would the former?" Piemon asked. "What could you possibly have against hot chocolate, Vamdemon?"

"The lack of blood protein."

"Oh, fine, we'll stick some O+ in the microwave for you, then! But you're still going to have at least three marshmallows in it! What do you say?"

"A day away from Etemon is tempting. I'll have Phantomon bring my coffin. Thank you." Vamdemon stood and bowed his head. "I'll go give the order to Phantomon."

"I'll be right here, getting that hot chocolate ready," Piemon said.

Of course, Piemon was mostly joking about the "sleepover," he and Vamdemon did spend some of the night discussing their objectives while Phantomon went to fetch the vampire lord's coffin.

"How is the search for the crests?" Piemon asked.

"Gennai hid them well. All we know is that they are on Server, and I'm afraid we may never find even one of them," Vamdemon replied, taking a sip of his drink.

"A pity. At least try to get courage and friendship, I have a feeling those will be the most annoying."

"What about the tags?"

"Devimon has something about that he wants to bring up during tomorrow night's war council, but I don't know what," Piemon said. "I doubt he found them, though. He would have told me of their destruction. Get rid of the tags and their crests will be useless, after all."

"I'll continue my search, but I hope Devimon has better success than I'm having."

"He's quite resourceful, he figured out the secret behind those black gears after all. Pinocchimon is begging him to let him have a try at them."

"What could Pinocchimon possibly want to do with black gears?"

"Hm, I would ask him but...Anything Pinocchimon considers 'entertainment' is something that tends to give _me_ nightmares, Vamdemon."

"If that's the case..." Vamdemon trailed off, sipping his drink.

"Out of curiosity, what would_ you_ do with black gears?"

"That depends entirely on whether or not I can use Etemon as a test subject for them."

"And if you could?"

Vamdemon smiled. "I would enjoy his existence, as well as the sweet sound of his screams for mercy. That, especially compared to what he plays, is what I consider music."

"Oh, you are a cold one," Piemon chuckled. "Don't forget, though, he is our 'tech support,' if you will."

"And why is Mugendramon not in that position?"

"Mugendramon is a machine and he lacks the ability to use a keyboard." Piemon shrugged. "That and I already hear 'I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave' enough from his as it is. The last thing I want is him in control of The Dark Network and giving me that attitude."

"...He calls you 'Dave?'"

"...Strangely enough..." Piemon trailed off. "I think it's a software bug, because I cannot imagine him with a sense of humor."

Vamdemon sipped his drink, wondering how an insane Digimon like Piemon could ever hope to control the Digital World - Let alone be as powerful and fearful as he is... ...Then again, given that he has near unlimited power and the strength most megas could only dream of - His warped sense of humor made him even more terrifying. Vamdemon felt a chill down his spine as he realized that. He let out a quiet shudder.

"...I know that sound..." Piemon smiled, eying Vamdemon with a laugh.

"I'm sure you do."

* * *

Vamdemon went to "bed" around sunrise, Piemon retired for the night a bit after midnight.

The next day was mostly uneventful, aside from rounding up some poor helpless Digimon for Vamdemon's "breakfast" that evening. PicoDevimon almost being one of them until the Evilmon that caught him was "corrected" by Piemon...By trading places with PicoDevimon.

The next evening, Piemon waited again in his war chamber. His drink of choice this evening being red wine, LadyDevimon was fetching it.

Vamdemon was the first to arrive, letting out a quiet yawn.

"How did you sleep?"

"The best sleep I have had in months, thank you," Vamdemon replied. "I almost wish I didn't have to wake up."

"Oh, care to stay another night?"

"Depends on how the talk with Etemon goes," Vamdemon replied.

"Speak of the Devil."

"Etemon?" Vamdemon turned to the entrance. "...Oh,_ that _Devil."

Devimon stepped into the council, bowing low. "Lord Piemon, Elder Brother."

"Good evening, Devimon. Have a seat." Piemon motioned to the chair to his right. Not even Vamdemon had the honor of sitting next to Piemon...Not that Vamdemon complained, distance from Piemon was... ...A good thing, even if he liked you.

Devimon took his seat.

"_Let's...plaaaaay._.." An ominous voice echoed through the halls. The sound of running footsteps followed shortly after.

"...Great. He's here..." Vamdemon sighed, Devimon gave an agreeable nod.

Pinocchimon charged into the council, he ran past Vamdemon and gave him a slap on the back. The Vampire barely caught himself on table...Despite the look of the two, the puppet was actually the stronger one. "You're it!"

"I am not playing..." Vamdemon said.

"Fine, you!" Pinocchimon went after Devimon, Devimon shifted in his chair. "HEY!"

"Pinocchimon, save it for later," Piemon said in a warning tone. Though it rarely had a profound effect on Pinocchimon.

"Aw..."

Devimon, eyes wide, gave Piemon a look that said 'THANK YOU for saving me from that crazed marionette from Hell.' It was one he often gave him, much to his displeasure.

Pinocchimon sat down next to Vamdemon, putting his hand on the seat next to him momentarily. He put his hands together, twiddling his thumbs and looking away with a whistle.

"...I assume the poor soul who sits in that chair is in for a nasty surprise, right?" Vamdemon asked.

"...Maaaaaybe..."

Vamdemon was about to speak against the prank, until he realized who the next 'victim' was... "...Carry on."

The twisted puppet gave Vamdemon a wicked smile. "Thanks, Batsy."

"...Please don't call me that..."

The next guest to enter was Mugendramon, though his special entrance. Despite his size, he somehow moved without much more than a low humming...Some sort of hover mechanism or well-made and lubricated wheels - No-one was sure. "...GREETINGS."

A few minutes passed, the group of Digimon waited silently.

"...Where the hell is Etemon?" Vamdemon finally broke the silence.

"You actually want to see him, Vamdemon?" Piemon asked.

Vamdemon glanced to Pinocchimon. "In some way."

"Oh, I get it." Piemon chuckled. "I told you our little wooden friend had his uses."

"May I borrow him next April First?" Vamdemon asked.

"By all means..."

The sound of a guitar riff rang loud through the halls. Everyone but Mugendramon (for obvious reasons) covered their ears, the noise was incredibly loud.

A Gazimon stepped into the doorway, holding a microphone. "Presenting, the King of the Digimon, the Rock and Roll Legend... ETEMON!"

Etemon proudly strode into the war chambers, the Gazimon bowed low. "Thank you! Thank you very much, everyone! ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!"

"...Have a seat." Vamdemon said with a smile.

"Thanks, Batman, you're all right," Etemon said, going to his seat. The very second he sat down he leapt back up with a loud yelp. "AIE!"

Pinocchimon burst into a fit of loud laughs, Vamdemon kept his down to a quiet chuckle, which, for Vamdemon, was a lot.

Etemon glared at the little puppet, pulling a tack out of his rear. "I swear, one of these days you little piece of firewood..." He grumbled, tossing the tack behind him. He checked his seat again before sitting down.

LadyDevimon came in with a tray of drinks. She passed a mug of beer to Etemon, cola to Pinocchimon, Vamdemon's usual to him, brandy for Devimon and red wine to Piemon. "My apologies that it's late."

"Not a problem," Piemon said, looking at his drink. LadyDevimon walked off.

Vamdemon sipped his drink. "...Wait...This is..." His eyes went wide, he looked to Piemon as the clown brought his glass to his lips. "Lord Piemon! WAIT!"

Red liquid sprayed from Piemon's mouth, what he drank was not wine. "Ugh! Digusting...!"

Pinocchimon and Etemon, of course, found this hysterical.

"...I believe we got each other's drinks..." Vamdemon said, holding up a glass of red wine.

"...Trade you back?" Piemon said, dryly, wiping his lips with a handkerchief. "Ugh, how can you drink that stuff?"

Vamdemon switched glasses with Piemon. Piemon shot a glare to the howling primate and puppet. "We'll wait..." He said in an annoyed tone.

"Th-Thanks-Hehehe-We might be a minute...!" Pinocchimon tried to say. Etemon couldn't get a word out.

Devimon held back a chuckle.

Once Etemon and Pinocchimon calmed down, which a drawn out trump sword helped hasten, Piemon began the meeting. "My fellow Viruses, welcome to tonight's war council. We are here to discuss our main objective: The complete and utter conquest of the Digital World and to negate the threat of the 'Chosen Children' legend. I do not have to remind you how close we came to snuffing out Gennai before, and we managed to eliminate at least one of the eight. However, one out of eight is not good enough! We are the most powerful of the virus types in the Digital World, the fact we lost to a Digital HUMAN like Gennai is a disgrace! I insist that we restore our honor and the only way to do that is to conquer and reconfigure the Digital World...Of course, one must ask, what will we reconfigure it into? I have some blueprints I sketched in my spare time I will show you all later. Please ignore the crayon, it is all I had on hand at the time and, well, when creativity strikes you simply MUST jot it down or kick yourself later for forgetting it. No matter how many times you think to yourself 'oh, I'm sure I'm sure I'll remember that, that's too good to forget' and then two days later you say to yourself, 'damn it, what was that great idea I had the other day? It was perfect! Why was I so stupid as to not write it down?' That is why I am willing to suffer the embarrassment of a crayon blueprint over forgotten genius. You understand, right? Now, where was I? Oh, yes, once we reconfigure and control the Digital World...We must also figure out exactly what to DO with it. I mean, what would our policies be? Will we rule with an iron fist or through heavy taxation? Or both? Both would be great, actually...Rule with fear and take money from the poor for grand, completely unnecessary building projects! Like solid gold statues of ourselves that size of Mugen Mountain! And the poor, penniless Digimon can but stare in awe of our wasteful spending as we sit in our ivory towers, bathing in caviar! ...No, no, scratch that...Bathing in caviar is...Just disgusting. I mean, yes, you are essentially saying 'I can waste BILLIONS on a whim,' but in the end you will still reek of fish eggs...In fact, I want to make that a new law, right now. No-one is allowed to bathe in caviar or smell like fish. I hate the smell of fish. I love seafood, but I cannot stand the smell. I know, I know, I drown my fish in lemon to cover it up, which more or less means I'm tasting lemon instead of fatty tuna but...The smell is just TERRIBLE, I would rather drown the fish in lemon juice...In fact, did you know you CAN actually drown a fish? No, really, they don't suck the oxygen from the H2O molecule, that would require an insane amount of energy, like splitting the atom! A fish's gills are NOT a fission reactor! Well, actually, that's a bit of an overstatement, electrolysis and all but you know what I mean! Gills don't work that way! They actually just absorb what little air is mixed INTO the water, which is why you have to change a fish's water to reoxygenate it or they will in fact DROWN! Because it's nothing but water once they suck out all the air! So, the next time someone says, 'he's so stupid, he'd try to drown a fish,' call them an idiot for me!" He put his hands to his side and sat down, sipping his wine. This signified the end of his opening speech.

"...I shall...Make note of that..." Vamdemon said. As shocking as this may sound, this was one of Piemon's more coherent opening speeches.

"Now for our official matters," Piemon looked to Etemon. "How's the Dark Network project?"

"Um, less Network more Dark," Etemon said. "We're still working out the bugs...Like, I need an exterminator bugs. Like an army of 'em! Like last week, I tried an uplink to sector seven-"

"Sector seven?" Vamdemon asked.

"Digitamamon's diner, I wanted to order in," Etemon replied.

"...That is in my land," Vamdemon said.

"I know, but...His food is so dang good! I didn't think you'd mind a couple miles of cable," Etemon replied with a shrug.

"Is that 'couple miles of cable' responsible for my lack of television signals?"

"Could be, the Dark Network kinda screws with analog signals...Not my fault you ain't got cable. I can hook you up, pretty cheap, too! I got a cousin, he's a Goblimon, knows EVERYTHING about TVs! He can get you all the premium channels for free, even the...Bats, what's your late night poison?"

"...I do not want to answer that..."

A perverted grin spread across Etemon's face. "My favorite is-"

"DO NOT finish that, I do not want to know! I want to be able to sleep without nightmares of whatever freakish premium channels you watch in your spare time!" Vamdemon let out a shuddder.

"Can he get me cartoon network?" Pinocchimon asked.

"Hell yeah! That's in the basic package, give him a challenge!" Etemon looked to Mugendramon. "Hey, what about you? Unless you, like, got your own internal thing...You get high speed internet, too? You wireless, iMon?"

Mugendramon was silent.

"...Hello?" Etemon waved to Mugendramon. "Hey, you awake? HAL?" He stood up, leaning forward on the table with one hand. "HEY! Daisy! Daisy! I'm so crazy...!" He sang.

"Can we have ONE meeting where you do not sing?" Vamdemon asked.

Etemon looked to Piemon. "...I don't think that thing's on."

"What?" Piemon asked.

"Tall dark and metallic over there, I don't think he's on," Etemon repeated.

"I assure you, he is." Piemon said.

"Then why isn't he sayin' anything? I think he's unplugged!"

"You do not 'plug-in' Mugendramon."

"Fine, change his batteries! They're obviously dead!" Etemon said.

"Mugendramon does not have batteries, either!" Piemon rolled his eyes. "Etemon, Mugendramon is a being of cold, calculating, mechanized malevolence! He does not need to make noise unless absolutely necessary. When Mugendramon strikes, he strikes in complete silence. His victim does not hear a thing before feeling death's cold embrace."

"...So you are saying Mugendramon is 'silent, but deadly?'"

Piemon's eyes went wide as Etemon and Pinocchimon burst into a fit of howling laughter. Pinocchimon was on the floor. Even Devimon had a chuckle.

"...I don't know what's worse, the sound of their hyenas on helium laughter of the fact that YOU," Piemon looked to Vamdemon. "YOU, Vamdemon, of all people were the one to make a fart joke!"

Vamdemon let out a dark chuckle. Two can play at Piemon's game of 'deadly comedian.'

Piemon reached under the table for a drawer, he pulled out a blue print. "I would like to change the subject and suggest one of my plans for the reconfigured Digital World..." He rolled out the blueprint. On it was a crudely drawn mountain with spiraling lines: One green, one blue, one gray and a magnificent palace on top. "Behold! Spiral Mountain! ...Impressive, no?"

"...No." Pinocchimon said.

"I do not quite get the concept..." Devimon scratched his head. "Please enlighten me."

"Well, we take the oceans, the forests and cities of the Digital World and combine them all into each spiral on the mountain. A Dark Master will control each spiral. Thus, Spiral Mountain!"

"I do not like the name," Vamdemon said.

"What's wrong with the name?"

"Well, to be honest...It sounds more like a bad amusement park. 'Come to Spiral Mountain! Wait in line for hours upon hours for a thirty-second roller coaster with one tiny drop! Sample our overpriced food and merchandise. Would you like a fifty dollar coffee mug with the words 'I got Dizzy at Spiral Mountain' painted on it? Don't worry, I'm fairly certain it's not lead-based paint.'" Vamdemon said.

"...Vamdemon, I know you're being entirely sarcastic, but I simply LOVE that idea! I mean, a deliciously evil amusement park! Can I please use it?" Piemon asked, smiling.

Devimon cleared his throat, "Um, Lord Piemon...Perhaps we could stay on topic? I promise, when we conquer the Digital World you can have your amusement park from Hell. Two, even. You can even build one on File Island!"

"Thank you, Devimon! I'll doodle some blue prints tonight in the bath tub!" Piemon said with an enthusiastic smile.

"Yes, well..." Devimon cleared his throat. "On the subject of File Island. I am certain the tags are there, however even with the black gears I am having no luck finding them. If I may, I would like to borrow Mugendramon for my search."

"Mugendramon? Why?"

"Well, with the Black Gears I can enhance his radar, tracking and scanning capabilities. With him, I think I can find the tags," Devimon said. "Would you mind?"

"You'll have to ask Mugendramon, but I have no objection." Piemon said.

Devimon looked to Mugendramon. "Mugendramon, will you assist me?"

No response came from Mugendramon.

"...Mugendramon?" Devimon said after a moment or two. Still no response.

Etemon got up, walked around the table and elbowed Mugundramon in the side. "Heeey!" He held up both thumbs. Nothing happened. "...Told ya this thing was off!"

Piemon went over to Mugendramon. He opened a console on Mugendramon's chest area. "...You must be joking..."

A screen in the chest console displayed two words: SLEEP MODE.

"WAKE UP!" Piemon slammed his fist on the console keyboard before closing it.

Mugendramon's eyes lit up with a low hum. "...WHAT DID I MISS?"

"YOU WERE IN SLEEP MODE?" Piemon screamed.

"I ACTIVATED IT SHORTLY AFTER YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT CAVIAR."

Piemon growled.

"Told ya he was off..." Etemon trailed off.

"SHUT UP!" Piemon snapped. "Mugendramon, Devimon wants to borrow you. He's going to do something with black gears to power you up to find the crests. Objections?"

"NONE."

"Then you leave with Devimon first thing tomorrow!"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Piemon grumbled going back to his chair. "...Any other business?"

"If I may, I think if we went with your Spiral Mountain idea...You said the oceans would be a 'spiral,' correct?" Devimon asked. Piemon nodded in response. "Well, we...lack naval support at this time. I would suggest finding a Dark Master to control the ocean portion, one optimized for aquatic conquest."

"Hm, I suppose you have a point there," Piemon nodded. "I'll put in for a help wanted ad tomorrow."

Devimon nodded. "Thank you, Lord Piemon."

The meeting came to close soon after, Piemon's guests retired to their rooms. They would set off in the morning, to further their goal of Digital World domination...

* * *

Original Author AKA Ori's Notes:  
As usual, I'm not sure if this is all that funny or not...

The Teki No Digimon...These guys were my favorite characters back when Adventure aired. And...Well, I think this is the most in-character I've ever made them (Well, aside from Etemon and Pinocchimon...Those two are pretty easy to use in-character for comedy). ESPECIALLY Mugendramon... Oh, ye Gods, the things I did to Mugendramon...

Piemon might not be as much of a joker as I made him in this one but... ...Well, he's probably pretty close to his dub characterization. I don't know what he's like in the Japanese version.

This fic is, currently, just two or three parts...We'll call it complete then, but if anything strikes me I'll have Taiki add the extra chapter. But no promises. It's just a collection of short stories with the villains.

Sorry for the massive paragraph in the middle with Piemon's..."speech." I kept it that way to add to the sleep mode joke with Mugendramon. Hope you thought the rambling was funny!

I should also note: The Devimon, Vamdemon and PicoDevimon being related thing is...Just a theory of mine. There is NO evidence to support this, it's just something I've used in my fics because I love those three so much. I know it scared the hell out of a friend of mine who wrote a Vamdemon\Devimon fic, thinking the theory was canon. In reality, the only shred of evidence to support this is that PicoDevimon - Devimon - Vamdemon is an actual evolution line.

Also, Pinocchimon's "Let's plaaaaaay" entrance and gun references...In the Japanese version, Pinocchimon has an episode where he's chasing Takeru around and chanting "A-SO-BO" (Let's play) these scenes are...CREEPY to say the least. Seriously, Pinocchimon is freakin' scary at times. Not J-Reaper scary, but pretty close. J-Reaper is probably the creepiest thing to come out of of Digimon ever, though...*Shudder* How did Takato not notice there was something not just seriously wrong but UNHOLY about that girl?

Also, this was cut ENTIRELY from the dub but in the same episode Pinocchimon plays "war" with Takeru... ...By handing him an uzi. Pinocchimon has a .44 Magnum with dum-dums. "These bullets are hollow tipped. If you're shot in the gut with one of these, your stomach will explode." (Actual dialogue) He even wastes a couple of his minions with it (those two mons that help Takeru. Mushmon and...Some flower mon that's not Floramon, I think), "USOTSUKI!" (LIAR!) *BANG BANG!*

So, yeah, Pinocchimon is really, really creepy in the Japanese version of Adventure.

Also, like the Devi brothers thing, there's no real evidence to support that the villains knew each other at all. A lot of this is just my fan theories.

And finally, Teki No Digimon means "The Enemy Digimon." It's sort of a force of habit that I call them that. A couple of them did get some songs in the Japanese version, the Teki Chara Song File CD. Only Devimon (Dark Wing), Etemon (Love Serenade) and Pinocchimon (Haguruma Jikake No Mori) of the main villains, though...I SO wanted Vamdemon to have a song! The others were...Gotsumon and Pumpmon, Sukamon and Chuumon and Ogremon...Which...Made NO SENSE, none of them were bad guys! ...Well, Ogremon kinda, but... Damn it, give Piemon a song!

Toei! Stop screwing with us! ...And give ChibiKamemon one, too! He's awesome, he needs a song! Kame! Kame!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

It is very unusual to see the Tekis used in one of Ori's comedies being this in-character (Ori hates his old fics where they're super out of character). Especially Mugendramon! I even have trouble picturing Mugendramon without bread jokes and blasting Ken and Osamu Ichijouji into oblivion thanks to Ori's Mugen E series.

I've heard a few songs on that CD Ori mentioned, by the way. Pinocchimon's is a bit weird to me, he has a Chipmunk-like voice. Devimon's is amazing, I highyl recommend hearing it if you haven't!

As usual: Check out Ori's DeviantArt account (Username: Qibushi-Zijian) for Digimon Humor pictures and comics (Link in my profile, under homepage). And please answer the poll on my profile to help Ori figure out what fics to focus on.

Thank you, I hope you enjoyed!

-Taiki Matsuki

**EDIT: **Ori had me change a bit of Piemon's opening ramble, the fish's gills portion. He knows that splitting a water molecule doesn't require the same energy as splitting the atom (not even close). He just couldn't resist the fission reactor line, so we made sure Piemon noted he's exaggerating with that.


	2. II Interview

The Life Of A Dark Master  
II  
Interview

* * *

Word had spread throughout the entire Digital World - Piemon was hiring! The qualifications were simple enough:

Mega Level Digimon  
Virus Type  
Must have a generally loose definition of the word "moral"  
Also a generally loose definition of the word "merciful."  
Must love water

Pickings were rather slim. And nonexistent. Piemon thought so many would jump at the opportunity for limitless power and authority over the oceans of the Digital World. Really, who would not love such a thing? Oh, fine, those who have that pesky little thing called a "conscience." Piemon vaguely remembers once having one, but he was pretty sure he drank it into submission and torched a couple villages in a night of drunken revelry. That was such a memorable Birthday! Or would have been had he not drank so much...The newspapers did cover most of what he forgot, though. He kept the clippings in a scrap book titled "Fondest Memories."

Piemon waited in his war chamber, as he usually did. He was reading a book and sipping a glass of white wine - After the incident at the last war council, he realized it was a stupid idea to drink red wine when Vamdemon was staying over. Certain mix ups could be repeated.

Yes, Vamdemon was still staying over. The reason was because Etemon, the morning after the council, said he was going to perform a massive, week long stress test on his Dark Network...Which Vamdemon did NOT want to be anywhere near, for it involved "deadly sound waves," or as Etemon called them, "Rock and Roll MP3s." The test, unfortunately, Etemon put up a good enough argument for to where Piemon had to allow it. He said he would make it up to Vamdemon by letting him stay at his palace until after the test. He would also give Etemon that talking to with Pinocchimon he promised the Vampire as well...And told Vamdemon that, if he was good, he would let Pinocchimon bring his favorite guns to the negotiation table.

Vamdemon, of course, had to ask what Piemon meant by "good." Piemon's definition of the word...Differed from Webster's, to put it lightly.

"Lord Piemon," a voice flowed from the halls.

"LadyDevimon?" Piemon looked up from his book.

LadyDevimon enterred the chamber with a bow. "An applicant has arrived."

"Oh, good! Tell him I'll be out when I finish this chapter," Piemon went back down to his book.

"Very well."

* * *

LadyDevimon stepped out into the front of Piemon's palace, the massive wooden double doors closing behind her.

The "applicant" was curled up in a massive, gold metallic coil. His head loomed over her, though she was not very intimidated...But that was because Piemon was so much scarier, even in a good mood.

"...Well?"

"MetalSeadramon," LadyDevimon bowed politely. "Lord Piemon will be out to interview you once he finds out where Voldemort hid the first Horcrux."

"...And that means what?" MetalSeadramon asked.

"He's been meaning to catch up on the Harry Potter series," LadyDevimon said. "He's about done."

"_I'm _being put aside for a HARRY POTTER BOOK?" MetalSeadramon shouted.

"He likes to take notes from He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named," LadyDevimon replied.

With a glare, MetalSeadramon looked into the palace and screamed, at the top of his lungs, the most infamous of three word spoilers in the history of literature.

A loud roar came from inside the palace. Seconds after it, Piemon burst through the wooden doors, shattering them into a thousand pieces (give or take). He had two swords drawn out, his eyes red with rage. "WHO'S THE DEAD MAN WHO SPOILED THE STORY?"

"...Yo!" MetalSeadramon raised his tail, waving it.

LadyDevimon backed away slowly and cautiously, scanning the area for cover. She did not see this ending well.

"TRUMP SWORD!" Piemon threw his swords at MetalSeadramon. They bounced off his armor with a loud CLANG. "...Oh, made of metal, are you? ...I love a challenge!"

"ULTIMATE STREAM!" From MetalSeadramon's "nose" (for lack of a better description) came a bright blue beam of energy. Piemon leapt into the air, easily avoiding it.

"TRUMP SWORD!" Again, two swords were thrown at MetalSeadramon, this time cutting the scaly hair sticking out from under his metal armor.

"Hey, not cool! No-one messes up my hair!" MetalSeadramon uncoiled, soaring into the air. Piemon made a landing on the top of the first floor of his palace, over the doors. "ULTIMATE STREAM!" Again, a blast from his nose. Piemon dodged easily.

"CLOWN TRICK!" Piemon raised his hands over his head, a ring of fire appeared over him. It hovered over to MetalSeadramon, going over his head and wrapping tightly around his body. The metal sea snake barely reacted.

"Hot, but I've gotten burned by hotter lightbulbs!"

"...That is the best banter you can offer?" Piemon asked, putting his hands to his side. He shook his head, sighing, "Really?"

"Eh, couldn't think of anything really hot and well... Yeah, that sucked...Can I get a do-over?"

"Hm, no, I think we've covered the feats of strength well enough," Piemon leaped down from the roof, landing casually on the ground. He waved one hand and the ring of fire vanished.

"Thanks," MetalSeadramon came back down to the ground and coiled up again. "Sorry 'bout the spoiler."

"Oh, actually, it's my second read of the series. No harm done. I do appreciate the 'chutzpah' if you will." Piemon said with a smile. "It takes a lot of that to do what you did to one such as I."

"So I got the job?"

"Well, no, no, there's still more I need to know," Piemon said. He circled around MetalSeadramon, studying him. "...Well, you are a Seadramon. That covers the issue with water quite easily. You are mega level, too. Fairly strong, even though I was holding back."

"Wanna go again?" MetalSeadramon focused a light glare on Piemon.

"Hm, perhaps later, I've had a bit of wine, you see," Piemon said with a chuckle. "Well, I see no real reason NOT to accept you as a Dark Master...Well, except for one..."

"What's the problem? I'm mega level, I'm super strong, I had the balls to spoil Harry Potter for you, water is kinda my thing and I don't even HAVE morals! What's the problem?"

"...You are a Data-type Digimon. The Dark Masters only accept Virus-types."

"Oh, that's it? I don't believe you! You got a problem with Data types?"

"Well, no. Not at all. I have a problem with Vaccine types, but for obvious reasons." Piemon said, he stopped circling MetalSeadramon and stood in front of him.

"Yeah, right, I see how it is!" MetalSeadramon scoffed. "Virus-types ONLY! I'm disappointed in you, Clown! I thought you were better than this-"

"MetalSeadramon, stop," Piemon raised a hand. "I understand you want the position, but...Well, look, I am a homicidal clown with an ambition to conquer the Digital World and, if I have time and the mood strikes me, Earth. I have an incredibly loose sense of what is 'moral' and a violent streak more destructive than most nuclear war heads. Do you really think you can intimidate me into making you a Dark Master with simple guilt over an apparent Data-type prejudice? ESPECIALLY after I already admitted to one against Vaccine types?"

"...Figured it was worth a shot." MetalSeadramon replied.

"I will make a note that you are not a strategist in any sense of the word, then."

"HEY!"

Piemon shrugged. "Well, I suppose since you are the only one who bothered to apply you get the position by default. However, should another applicant show up... ...Well, promise me a front row seat to the duel to the death, m'kay?"

"You got it!" MetalSeadramon smiled. "So, what do I do?" He asked as Piemon turned and walked back inside his palace.

"Hm?" Piemon turned his head.

"Well, I'm a Dark Master now, right? What do I do?"

Piemon turned back to MetalSeadramon and lowered his head in thought for a moment. "Well, you'll attend our war council. We hold one once a month, emergency meetings are usually given twenty-four hours notice. And beyond that, well...I suppose you can assist Vamdemon in his search for the crests or Devimon with the tags. Pinocchimon might want to play hide and seek with you, although your size does give you a bit of a problem when it comes to the 'hide' portion of the game."

"...So, let me get this straight, The Dark Masters just sit around and_ talk _about taking over the Digital World?"

"We do more than that! We also talk about reconfiguring it!"

"...Uh-huh..."

"The reason for the lack of activity is the Chosen Children threat. We need to neutralize that one first," Piemon explained. "You know the story, right? A bunch of humans show up to save the Digital World from baddies like us. Through great peril and hardship, they use the power of their friendship to overcome great obstacles and blah, blah, blah, BLAH, BLAH!" Piemon rolled his eyes. "Devimon and Mugendramon are currently trying to find the tags that hold the crests that will let their partners evolve to their Ultimate or Mega levels. We destroy them, no threat!"

"I get it," MetalSeadramon nodded.

"But if you do want to do something..." Piemon thought. "Well, go wreak havoc in the oceans! Let them know there's a new Dark Master in town and he takes no prisoners!"

"But...I kinda already do that."

"But now you do it WITH _AUTHORITY!_"

"...Eh, why not?" MetalSeadramon took off. "See you next war council!"

"Bye-bye! And do bring me some fresh sea food! I'll buy lemons next time I'm at the market!" Piemon waved.

LadyDevimon poked her head out from behind a part of the palace. "...You picked him, really? Lord Piemon?"

"An aquatic Dark Master is just what we needed and...To be honest, I was not up for a bunch of drawn out interviews. He was good enough, I think."

LadyDevimon nodded. "Its your choice, my lord."

"Thank you," Piemon started back into the palace, then stopped. He examined what was left of his doors. "Oh, damn...I hate when I do this...LadyDevimon, be a dear and have Pinocchimon get someone to fix these."

"Yes, Lord Piemon."

With that Piemon went back to his chambers and back to his book... "Now, let's just see what Harry is up to now..."

* * *

Ori's Notes:  
I know, everyone KNOWS that spoiler by now...But in the off-chance someone who hasn't heard it and is reading the series read this fic I didn't want to ruin it for them. As a writer, things like that just piss me off when they happen.

Sorry this chapter is so much shorter than the last one, I just wasn't sure how much I could do with MetalSeadramon. And, yes, he really is the only non-Virus type villain to appear in the first season.

...Well, unless you count Apocalymon. He's suppposed to be an unknown type or something like that - Neither Data, Virus or Vaccine.

I'm having a ton of fun with Piemon's dialogue in this fic. I don't know how I didn't realize these guys are funnier this way than in the old fics...Aiya, I was young and stupid...Well, not so much young...

Though, I should say I'm not 100% on MetalSeadramon's character since it's been so long since I saw Adventure...I vaguely remember the dub making him a bit of a loud mouth, though.

Anyway, next chapter is the last...Ish. Like I said, the fic is "done" unless something else hits me later. It's just a bunch of short stories with the villains, no planned plot arcs or anything. Just me having fun with my favorite bad guys: The Teki No Digimon.

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

Thank you for not using the spoiler, Ori. I had it ruined for me, too. I did not like it one bit!

Still, the idea that MetalSeadramon would do something like that! To Piemon! That certainly takes "chutzpah!"

-Taiki Matsuki


	3. III Digitized Caffeine

The Life of A Dark Master  
III  
Digitized Caffeine

* * *

File Island, the domain of Devimon. Devimon was given this domain by Piemon himself after discovering the secret of the "black gears" that are hidden throughout the island. He had no idea why they were there, what their original purpose was or even who put them there - But they sure came in handy...

...Especially when it came to corrupting helpless Digimon...Leomon was on Devimon's "gear list," though he hadn't been able to locate him. He sent Ogremon on it, Ogremon... ...Was the Etemon to his Vamdemon, except a subservient version. Perhaps he could be better described as a "more competent, but dumber" PicoDevimon... ...No, that was unfair to PicoDevimon - Even Vamdemon would admit to that. And because, unlike Vamdemon, Devimon treated PicoDevimon like garbage. How is that a good thing? Because Vamdemon treated PicoDevimon like crap, which is a step or two below garbage. That little difference is why Devimon is PicoDevimon's FAVORITE big brother!

Devimon had arrived back home the night before, after Piemon's last war council. Mugendramon was "resting" in his small palace on the top of Mugen Mountain, which Mugendramon commented on as having "A NICE NAME."

The sun began to rise as Devimon approached the large machine. "Mugendramon, are you ready?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"Good, I'll just infuse you with about two or three or thirty black gears and we'll begin our search for the tags," Devimon said. He raised his arms. "COME, MY BLACK GEARS!"

...Nothing.

"...That...usually works..." Devimon lowered his arms, scratching his chin. "Pardon me." He walked off, out of his palace and to the edge of a cliff. "...COME, MY BLACK GEARS!" He shouted again.

...Nothing.

"Hm..." Devimon thought. "This...presents a problem."

"IF I MAY MAKE AN OBSERVATION."

"Yes?" Devimon turned, Mugendramon loomed behind him.

"BLACK GEARS ARE INFLUENCED BY DARK ENERGY. I RUN ON IT."

"...You run on...Dark energy?"

"YES."

"...I see, you must be interfering with my ability to call them..." Devimon thought for a moment. "Oh, OGREMON!" He called.

Within seconds, Ogremon appeared, leaping out from behind a boulder. "I wasn't napping!"

"...I didn't say you were."

"Good, because I wasn't, Lord Devimon!" Ogremon saluted.

"...Right..." Devimon decided against punishing his minion in front of one of the Dark Masters. "Ogremon, I want you to go fetch me some black gears." He would do it later.

"...But...Don't you just...Um, summon them?"

"Yes, but Mugendramon's affecting my ability to do so. Don't make me say 'please.'" Devimon's glare focused. "Really._ Don't._"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Ogremon saluted. "...Um...Just checking, where...would I find them?"

Devimon groaned. "...Base of Mugen Mountain, in the old mine shaft, you'll find a ton of them. Bring back at least fifty, I'll need spares until Mugendramon takes his leave."

"Yes, sir!"

Devimon turned to Mugendramon. "So, um, game of chess while we wait?"

"CHECKMATE."

"...So, that's a yes?"

"NO. CHECKMATE."

"...What?"

"YOU WOULD OPEN WITH..." Mugendramon began to describe how a game of chess between he and Devimon would play out. "...I WOULD TAKE YOUR QUEEN WITH MY KNIGHT AND PLACE YOU INTO CHECKMATE."

"...That's one hell of an AI you've got." Devimon said, eyes wide because Mugendramon was RIGHT about every move he would have made.

"THANK YOU."

"Any sort of board game I would stand a chance against you in?"

"CANDY LAND."

"...Excuse me?"

"PINOCCHIMON INTRODUCED ME TO IT. I FIND IT HIGHLY ENTERTAINING."

...Devimon thought against commenting. "Um...I-I don't...have a set...So, um, anything else?"

"NONE."

"Then, um, I'll make some tea and we can chat about...The weather or how I would lose to you in Monopoly."

"YOU WOULD FIRST PURCHASE ST. CHARLES PLACE..." Mugendramon proceeded to describe said monopoly game like the chess game before.

...Devimon decided not to tell Mugendramon he was joking. Mugendramon had...trouble...with humor. How he could work alongside Piemon was anyone's guess!

Ogremon came back several hours later with as many black gears as he could carry. Devimon appreciated the effort, but not the amount of time it took. It was near sunset when Ogremon finally got back.

Devimon sighed, looking at the setting sun and pile of black gears in front of him. "We'll start again in the morning. Sorry for the delay."

"NOT A CONCERN. I ENJOYED OUR CHESS AND MONOPOLY GAMES EARLIER."

"...Right..." Devimon said, flatly. Mugendramon was referring to the 'games' they 'played' when he first sent out Ogremon. "Well, um, is there any sort of arrangement you need? I'm not exactly one hundred percent on your needs as a...well, Piemon described you as a being of mechanized malevolence." ...He decided not to mention Vamdemon's description of Mugendramon, as shocked as he was to hear such a joke (or even_ A_ joke) from his elder brother. Piemon was having an influence on him, it seemed.

"I WILL ACTIVATE SLEEP MODE. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING." With that, Mugendramon's eyes powered down.

"...Well, lovely, then..." Devimon went to his chambers. Mugendramon was...confusing him to say the least.

* * *

Devimon awoke the next morning to a loud buzzing alarm. Which was amazing when he realized he didn't own any sort of alarm clock! He searched for the source...

...Mugendramon.

"M-MUGENDRAMON!" Devimon shouted, covering his ears. "MUGENDRAMON!"

The alarm ceased, Mugendramon's eyes lit up. "...GOOD MORNING."

"Wh-What was...that sound about?"

"WHAT SOUND?"

"You were...buzzing...Like an alarm clock."

"I WILL RUN A SOUND SYSTEMS CHECK."

"All right," Devimon nodded. Piemon mentioned that Mugendramon had one or two software bugs (the whole "Dave" thing for example), but... ...Perhaps this might be a bad idea. The last thing he wanted was for the black gears to turn Mugendramon into some sort of mega-level, dragon-like Terminator. At least he wasn't made from liquid metal...

Still, Devimon had no other choice. The search for the tags was going nowhere and he would hate to disappoint Piemon (anyone with half a brain would). So with that, he went and fetched some black gears and placed them near Mugendramon. "I'll use these to infuse you with their power, they should enhance, well, everything. From attack power to sensors to...AI." Devimon shuddered lightly at the thought of Mugendramon with an even more advanced AI after the 'games' they played yesterday. "Now...RISE MY BLACK GEARS!"

...Nothing happened.

"IT SEEMS EVEN IN CLOSE PROXIMITY, MY INFLUENCE ON THE GEARS TRUMPS YOURS. MY APOLOGIES."

"Hm...Well...Normally, they just rise into the air and, well, hurl themselves into whatever Digimon I'm targeting..." He picked up a black gear. "Um, would you mind if I...?"

"IT IS WORTH A SHOT."

"Thank you," Devimon bowed. He had to be careful, he was the weakest of Piemon's allies. His wits were the only thing that kept him from being a mere servant to the Dark Masters - Pissing one of them off was not good for his career or his health.

Devimon stepped back about twenty paces and held his black gear like a discus. "One...Two...Three...! GO, MY BLACK GEAR!" He hurled it at Mugendramon, then winced at the loud CLANG to follow. "Oh, um, my most sincere apologies?"

"DID IT LEAVE A DENT?"

Devimon examined the impact site. "Um, no, just a scratch but you can just...Buff that out, you know?"

"I HOPE SO."

"Hm, maybe there's a port I could insert them into..." Devimon began to examine Mugendramon. As he neared his rear legs and "tail" an alarm suddenly blared. Devimon leapt back in terror. "WH-WHAT? WHAT IS IT?"

"KEEP IT ABOVE THE WAIST."

"...You're...A machine."

"I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY."

"...Sorry." Devimon bowed apologetically. Again, had to be careful. He finally found a drive near Mugendramon's chest console, large enough to insert a black gear. "Well...This might do it. Ready, Mugendramon?"

"YES."

Devimon inserted the black gear. It absorbed into Mugendramon, dark energy flowed through him. "Feel any different?"

"IF I COULD COMPARE IT TO AN ORGANIC LIFE FORM, IT WOULD BE LIKE DRINKING A LATTE WITH A DOUBLE SHOT OF ESPRESSO. AND EXTRA SUGAR."

"...So, you're high on digital caffeine so to speak?"

"IN A SENSE. YES."

"Well...Say when you've had enough..." Devimon went and got some more black gears, he inserted each onto Mugendramon, one by one. After about a dozen, he stepped back and said, "...So?"

"LETSGOFINDTHETAGS. THESEBLACKGEARSAREGREAT. MAYITAKESOMEHOMEFORLATER?"

"...No more coffee for you..." Devimon trailed off... ...This was going to be an interesting experience. "So, um, do your sensors have any leads on potential targets?"

"ATTHEHOTSPRINGS."

"What?"

"ATTHEHOTSPRINGS."

"...Slow down, just a taste, please?"

"AT. THE. HOT. SPRINGS."

"Where at the hot springs?"

"THERE. IS. A. CONTAINER. THAT. HOLDS. THE. TAGS. EITHER. THAT. OR. A. REFRIGERATOR. FULL. OF. EGGS." Mugendramon spoke almost painfully slow, but Devimon appreciated the effort.

"...Well, it has to be the tags, then," Devimon said. "We'll go-"

With that Mugendramon took off down the road at full speed. In fact, Devimon had never seen him move so fast!

Devimon stared blankly forward as the dust cleared. "...Note to self: Three gears is the limit." He was thankful he had wings, he took off after Mugendramon. Even by air he could barely catch up.

Mugendramon reached their destination in minutes, Devimon made a landing next to him. The hot springs of File Island...They were too hot to be of any use to anyone and the sulfur smell was horrendous. In fact, the smell was the entire reason why Piemon moved the Dark Masters' headquarters to Server and later gave the Island to Devimon. Not that Devimon would complain about his own private island.

Devimon looked to Mugendramon. "So, where are the tags?"

"THERE." Mugendramon pointed to a bush in the distance.

Devimon strolled over to the push, pushing its leaves and branches aside. "Erm..."

...Behind it was a miniature refrigerator.

"Well...That's...unexpected..." Devimon opened the refrigerator. Sure enough, it was full of eggs. "...The Digital World has it's...unique features..." He muttered, he picked up an egg and closed the refrigerator. He turned to Mugendramon with the egg in his hand. "Sorry, Mugendramon! It was eggs!"

"I. DID. NOT. EXPECT. THAT."

"I don't think anyone could have, so don't feel too bad."

"NO. NO. ONE. COULD. HAVE. EXCEPT. THE. MAD. MAN. WHO. PUT. THAT. REFRIGERATOR. THERE. WHO. WOULD. DO. SUCH. A. THING?"

Devimon shrugged. Only one name came to mind. "...Piemon?"

Mugendramon was momentarily silent. "THAT. ACTUALLY. MAKES. PERFECT. SENSE. THOUGH. I. DOUBT. IT. WAS. HIM."

Devimon gave a nod. "Well, I guess we could check off this area. Try again?"

"AFFIRMATIVE." Mugendramon's eyes began to glow once more. "THERE. IS. A. CAVE. ON. A. CLIFF. OVER. LOOKING. THE. SEA. ON. THE. WESTERN. SIDE. OF. THE. ISLAND. THERE. IS. A. BOX. CONTAINING. SMALL. ITEMS."

"Tags?"

"MOST. LIKELY. AFTER. THIS. I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GIVE. ABSOLUTE. PREDICTIONS."

"Good idea."

"I. WILL. GO. AHEAD." Mugendramon took off, leaving a trail of destruction through the surrounding forest.

"...Mugendramon, please be kind to my home..." Devimon sighed, taking off again. He followed Mugendramon's trail of destruction, cringing. When Mugendramon finally came to a halt in front of a cave, he landed. "...In here?"

"YES."

Devimon stepped into the cave...Only to find Ogremon. "Ogremon, what are you doing here?"

"I-I live here." Ogremon said. "Um...What are you doing here?"

"...Do you have a small box containing a number of tag like objects?" Devimon asked.

Ogremon shook his head. "Oh, but I did find a box of necklaces!"

"...May I see them?" Devimon suddenly felt a massive headache coming on.

"Sure!" Ogremon ran into the back of the cave, he brought out a small box after a few moments. "Here! They're kinda pretty, I wanted to make a SUPER NECKLACE outta them! It'll be so cool!"

Devimon opened the box...It held the tags. "Ogremon, may I ask how long this has been in your possession?"

"Um, kinda was in here when I moved in...Like, um, years ago..."

"...Years ago?" Devimon asked.

"Yeah."

Devimon stared at the box for almost a full minute, then took a deep breath, "...Ogremon, I hate you. I truly, truly hate you. There is no word that can even begin to describe the amount of hate I have for you. My hate for you burns with the fire of a trillion to the trillionth power of the brightest of suns. Every time I look at you, my heart starts to ache with the purest of hatred and malice that I hold for you pouring out from it. The love I bear you can afford no better term than this, YOU ARE A PATHETIC WASTE OF SPACE AND DATA, THE STUPIDEST CREATURE I HAVE EVER HAD THE GRAVE MISFORTUNE TO LAY MY EYES UPON! I wish nothing more than your complete destruction and dream of torturing you in ways that would make even Lord Piemon scream in in the purest horror. You are, without a doubt, the Digital God's own idiot! The fact I have to rely on you makes me want to cry myself to sleep at times, you are that much of a useless pain in the ass that I wish I could be forever rid of! I WANT TO ERASE YOU NOT ONLY FROM THIS WORLD, BUT FROM HISTORY ITSELF! THERE IS NO EVIL SO GREAT I COULD HAVE POSSIBLY COMMITTED TO DESERVE YOU! WHY MUST I BE CURSED WITH YOUR EXISTENCE? YOU USELESS, MISERABLE, UGLY, BRAINLESS, SPINELESS, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SERVANT! HAVING TO BE AROUND YOU IS LIKE A SLOW TRUDGE THROUGH HELL ITSELF! IN CASE YOUR PEA-SIZED BRAIN HAS BEEN UNABLE TO PROCESS MY WORDS UP UNTIL THIS POINT, I WILL SUMMARIZE FOR YOU! I. HATE. YOU. SO. DAMNED. MUCH!"

"...Oh..." Ogremon swallowed. "Um...Sorry?"

Devimon took a deep breath, saying, "Thank you for finding the tags, though, it was most helpful." Devimon let out a low growl and turned, leaving the cave. "...Found them."

"WHAT. SHALL. WE. DO. NOW?"

A smile crept across Devimon's face. "...Up for some target practice?"

"WHY. YES. YES. I. AM."

Devimon walked to the edge of the cliff. "Just say when, Mugendramon!"

"PULL."

Devimon threw the box of tags as far out as he could.

"MUGEN. CANN-"

Before Mugendramon could destroy the tags, a Whamon leaped out of the ocean. As if soaring majestically through the air. It opened its mouth, swallowed the box of tags and landed back into the ocean with a huge splash.

Devimon stared into the ocean, stammering.

"...Mugendramon..." Devimon spoke quietly.

"...YES?"

"...If Lord Piemon asks..."

"THAT. NEVER. HAPPENED."

"...Exactly..." Devimon put a hand to his forehead, sighing.

"...I. WANT. A. BLACK. GEAR. TO. HELP. ME. FORGET. THIS."

"...I need a drink, too."

* * *

Ori's notes:  
I had...SO much fun with this one.

Anyway, regarding the eggs: If I recall Adventure correctly, there's an episode in the Devimon arc where they really do find a refrigerator full of eggs at some super-heated hot springs.

Also, with the tags...I remember Whamon being involved, so he either swallowed 'em and they found 'em in his stomach or he coughed 'em up and hid 'em for Gennai. Sorry, it's been a few years and I've never been 100% on the Devimon arc. I didn't even SEE the episode where he dies until...Some time after 02 started, I just kept missing it.

Devimon's "I hate you" rant was a ton of fun, too. And Mugendramon's dialogue. In Devimon's speech, the "the love I bear you" line is based on my favorite line from Romeo and Juliet: "Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford no better term than this, thou art a villain!" -Tybalt, the Prince of Cats.

Anyway, I'm not going to call this complete yet...Another chapter idea hit me and I'll try to have that up in the next few days. The next one involves Etemon and Pinocchimon. And cards.

Hope you're enjoying this story!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

Again, I'm amazed we're seeing Mugendramon in a comedy from Ori that doesn't involve bread and salad jokes and blowing up the Digimon Kaiser. Really, Ori, I'm impressed!

I should say, I had some doc manager troubles with Mugendramon's "high on caffeine" dialogue. Originally, his first bit after the gears was all one "line" but the doc manager wouldn't allow for that. I had to break it up. If any humor was lost, I take full blame. Sorry, Ori.

-Taiki Matsuki


	4. IV Card Slash

The Life of A Dark Master  
IV  
Card Slash

* * *

Etemon was not in the best of moods that day. His Dark Network barely survived his stress test the previous week - The Dark Masters were NOT going to be happy to hear he had to reset another two hundred or so miles of cable that had... ...Well... ...Exploded. He especially hoped Vamdemon wouldn't hear about the couple miles of carnage that was once the couple miles of cable to Digitamamon's Diner. On the plus side, the diner survived! ...Just as long as it doesn't rain before Digitamamon can fix the roof.

Etemon decided he needed a back up "use" for The Dark Masters if his Dark Network wasn't going to be the technological masterpiece he had originally pitched to Piemon. But what?

Etemon sat in his trailer, leaning on a command console in thought as his Rock N' Roll's Best playlist blared around him at full volume. The soothing sound of early punk rock played at volumes loud enough to drown out a shuttle launch helped him think.

"Now...What could I do that Piemon would want to keep me around for? ...Or, if I can't figure that out, what's a good place to hide and under what name?" He said, aloud, though the idea he could hear his own voice over the music was laughable. He could only hear his own thoughts, which most would call a miracle.

"LORD ETEMON!"

"...Could I pass myself off as a Miguel Sanchez? ..._Hola, como esta? Bien, gracias! Y tu?_ ...And that's...I'm amazed I even know that much Spanish! Nah, I ain't no Miguel..."

"LORD ETEMON!"

"I wonder if I could just be janitor, Piemon probably needs someone to keep his place clean. Yeah, right, I ain't that desperate for a job. Just let him delete me already!"

"LORD. E. TE. MON...!"

"...Oh, wait, janitor'd be great! Like that TV show! Oh, MAN! That guy was funny! Wonder if I could get away will pulling crap like that on Vamdemon...Piemon'd love it just for the humor."

The music went silent.

"WHO THE HELL TURNED OFF MY MUSIC?" Etemon jumped up, turning. A Gazimon trembled by his sound system, holding a plug. "...You have exactly three seconds to explain why you did that and then two more seconds to write out your last will and testament!"

"L-LORD ETEMON, FORGIVE ME! B-But...Pinocchimon sent you a message! H-H-He said it's urgent!" The Gazimon ducked, covering his head.

"Eh? What's the little wooden bastard want this time?"

"H-He says it's...something about cards...Something really important. He wants you at his place as soon as possible."

"...Cards? The little splinter wants to play poker or somethin'?" Etemon groaned. "Great, just what I need. If it was HAL or Joker, I'd be just as screwed but at least I wouldn't be so annoyed..."

"C-Can I...Can I send your...response?" The Gazimon whimpered.

"I'll do it myself, you just... ...Hm...On one hand, you turned off my music so I SHOULD sing you a little LOVE SERENADE..." Etemon grinned, the mention of his signature attack was almost enough to kill the Gazimon then and there. "...But good help is hard to find, so I'll just say this: I want my trailer shinin' nice and bright like a platinum record-Or else I am gonna sing you a song."

"Y-YES, SIR!" The Gazimon stood tall and saluted.

"Buckets and sponges are in the closet, cleaner under the sink! I'm outta here!" Etemon kicked the door to his trailer open. "HEY! CHAUFFEUR!" He whistled. "Bring the Etemon Car around!"

A Monochromon drawn convertible, driven by a Gazimon atop the Monochromon'a back, came charging over a sand dune, it came to a halt in front of Etemon. Etemon hopped in, turned on the radio and put his feet on the dash as his seat reclined. "Pinocchimon's place, and...Take your time! Long, scenic route! ...In fact, double 'round a couple times. I really don't wanna deal with that splinter in the ass..."

The Monochromon started off.

* * *

Pinocchimon's playhouse...A nice fairy-tale like cottage in the middle of Server's deepest forest. Toys were scattered about the lawn...Alongside various pieces of weaponry and explosives. Pinocchimon was a kid at heart and took the phrase "kids can be so cruel" to new and frightening levels.

Etemon "drove" up to the front of the house, he hopped out of his car, saying, "Keep her runnin', if I charge out of there screaming and jump in, get ready to run like hell and then some!"

"Y-Yes, Lord Etemon," the Gazimon driver nodded. These were the instructions Etemon gave him every time he had to see Pinocchimon...And often he had to follow them.

Etemon knocked on the front door. "Hey, Pinocchimon!" No response. "Hello? You called me over here!" Still no response. "HEY! OPEN UP!" He pounded on the front door. After a moment or two of pounding, the doorknob turned...The door slowly creaked open. "That's more like it."

Etemon stepped into the house. Just like outside, toys and games were scattered around. Etemon let out a quiet yelp as he stepped on a metal jack, he pulled it out of his foot, muttering, "Learn how to clean up after yourself, Sawdust for Brains..."

"..._Let's plaaaaaaaaay_..."

Etemon shuddered, Pinocchimon's voice rang through the halls of the house. It was amazing how Pinocchimon could turn the words "let's play" into something nightmarish.

Etemon crept down the hall, slowly, shuffling his feet on the floor to avoid stepping on any more toys or a land mine. Yes, land mine. Just because Etemon was paranoid doesn't mean Pinocchimon didn't have an armory that most dictators could only dream of. Leaving a land mine around for some unsuspecting guest was a great prank, too! Except for whoever stepped on it, but who cares about that poor sap? Well, Etemon did. Because he was that poor sap.

Etemon turned down another hall, stepping into a large room filled with arcade and pinball games. "Where the hell-"

A number of gunshots rang loud and clear, Etemon screamed loudly and leaped backwards against the wall. Bullet holes started to appear on the wall, all around him. Etemon could only scream and cover his face with one hand and heart with another - He then moved he hand on his face down to his lower regions, suddenly remembering Pinocchimon's favorite place to aim in first person shooter games. Even Vamdemon cringed when Pinocchimon would scream "BOOM! NUTSHOT!" at the top of his lungs while playing such games.

The gunshots finally ceased, Etemon opened his eyes and put his hands to his side. Pinocchimon stood before him with a pair of .44 Magnums. "Heya," he said with a smile, blowing smoke from the barrels, the other one he still had pointed at Etemon.

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Etemon screamed. "Don'tcha know the first rule of gun safety? If you don't wanna kill it, don't point a gun at it!"

The look on Pinocchimon's face told him that Pinocchimon actually was following gun safety to the letter.

"Hehehe, I just wanted to have some fun," Pinocchimon said. "Wanna play again?"

"Depends, if I win can I put you through a wood chipper?" Etemon asked.

"Only if when I win, I can put you through a meat grinder."

"...Then, no, I do not want to play," Etemon shook his head. "What do you want, anyway? If you called me over here just to shoot at me I'll..." He trailed off.

"...You'll what?" Pinocchimon asked.

Etemon, unfortunately, was not in a position of power. "...Tell Piemon?"

"Tattle-tale!" Pinocchimon tossed his guns aside, one going off when it landed and putting a bullet hole in one of his arcade games. The little puppet didn't seem upset by that, he could always get more. "Actually, I have something for you..."

"Aw, it's not even my birthday," Etemon rolled his eyes. "What is it?"

"I got some trading cards...SPECIAL trading cards."

"Oh, great, I came all the way here to look at trading cards? Did you save me the gum that came with 'em, too?"

"Hehehehe..." Pinnochimon grinned, he turned. "Come with me, Etemon..."

Etemon swallowed, following. Pinocchimon led him to something he never expected to see: A clean room. It was rather tiny, but not a single toy or weapon on the floor. In the center of the room, there was a table with four chairs and a tea set. On two chairs were stuffed animals, a stuffed WereGarurumon and a stuffed Monzaemon. Pinocchimon sat at the head of the table. "Sit."

Etemon sat down across from Pinocchimon. Pinocchimon poured tea for everyone seated, serving Etemon last. "...Ain't you a little old and, I dunno, MALE to play tea party?"

"I like tea, so I like tea parties, too," Pinocchimon said. He went to the sugar bowl in the center of the table and started pouring spoonful after spoonful into his cup. "Sugar?"

"Uh, no thanks, I take mine black," Etemon sipped his tea, his eyes went wide. "UGH! It's already sweet! That's like...nuclear sweet!"

Pinocchimon continued pouring sugar into his tea, then stirred. "...So, how's the Dark Network?"

"D-Dark Network? Great! Never better! Greatest network out there! Darker than Piemon's heart, too!" Etemon said, looking away and thankful Pinocchimon couldn't see that through his sunglasses.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Pinocchimon laughed before drinking a huge gulp of his tea, some pouring down the sides of his mouth as he did so. He set his cup down and poured in more tea. "I heard a lot of booms during your stress test...The fire was pretty, too. Just as long as I'm at a distance."

"...Uh, yeah, there were a couple...glitches..." Etemon trailed off, he didn't know those cables COULD explode.

"And if you have too many glitches and the Dark Network fails..." Pinocchimon chuckled. "I get a stuffed Etemon for my tea parties! Is your chair comfy, Etemon?"

"Uh...Well...Let's not jump the gun, here..."

"But, you know...Etemons are BO-RING!" Pinocchimon spoke up. "I wanna have a stuffed, I dunno, Pandamon or a Gargomon. But not an Etemon...But Piemon's gonna give me the stuffed Etemon instead. I hate when he gives me stupid toys..."

Etemon nodded, slowly. He had no idea where Pinocchimon was going with this...

"So, I got you a little present~!" Pinocchimon smiled wide, he reached under the table and passed Etemon a wrapped package.

Etemon stared down at the white box with red string. "...Um...It ain't gonna blow up when I open it, is it?"

"Maaaaaybe..."

"...Eh, I'm screwed either way, ain't I?"

Pinocchimon simply nodded.

"What the hell? I've had a good run," Etemon trembled ever so slightly as he pulled the ribbon. Once the bow was undone, he shielded himself...No explosion. So far so good...

Etemon unwrapped the box and opened it...Inside was a number of cards. "...What the hell are these?" He picked up one, it had an Agumon on it.

"Those are SPECIAL cards...Use them on a dimensional gate in the right order and you can go to Earth..." Pinocchimon said.

"G-Go to...Earth?"

"Yeah," Pinocchimon smiled. "You'll be able to go and conquer Earth. Tell Piemon that and you'll still have a place with him. Like next to Devimon place, you know? Or even IN Devimon's place." Devimon...It bugged the hell out of Etemon that that lowly champion level gets to sit NEXT to the boss. Then again, distance from Piemon was usually a good thing.

"...If I wasn't so sure it'd give me a splinter, I'd kiss you right now." Etemon said. This was...huge! If he could be this useful to Piemon, he wasn't just going to keep his job - He was in for a promotion! Maybe even as a Dark Master! Dark Master Etemon...He liked the sound of that.

Pinocchimon frowned. "I'm pretty sure you have cooties, and that's the least of my problems with that idea." He stuck his tongue out. "Blech!"

"Where'd you get these, anyway?"

"...Someone..."

"...Who?"

"Someone...powerful."

"...Piemon? You tellin' me I'm gonna show Piemon his own cards? Yeah, real impressive there, Woody." Etemon knew this was too good to be true.

"Nope, stronger."

Etemon's eyes went wide. There was only ONE Digimon he knew of more powerful than Piemon. He stared down at the cards, stammering. "Y-Y-You-You-YOU GOT THESE FROM HIM?"

"Yep!" Pinocchimon nodded with a wide smile.

"P-Pi-Piemon doesn't even talk to that guy! I-I-I mean, he's...NUTS! H-How'd you even talk him into giving these to you?"

"...Who says he gave them to me?"

Etemon's heart nearly stopped. His jaw was down. "...You...You tellin' me...You had the acorns to_ steal_ from Apocalymon?"

"He won't miss 'em..."

"...I-I don't know...If I...Wanna hang onto these..." Etemon said. Apocalymon..._Piemon_ was afraid of Apocalymon. Think about that for a moment.

"Trust me, he won't be coming back for them," Pinocchimon said. "I left him a trade."

"...A trade?"

"I left him some of my hand grenades, some candy and my best Pokemon cards. Even my holographic limited edition Pikachu card! I thought it was pretty generous! ...Oh, and some crappy DS games and my old DS, I got a new DS-Lite for my birthday. From me to me! He always knows what I like."

"...Yeah, um...Well..."

"I've had them for more than a few months, you would think Apocalymon would have come back for them by now, right?" Pinocchimon asked.

"...Good point, but..." Etemon shuddered. "...All right, I'll take 'em."

"Good, don't tell Piemon where you got them, though!"

"I-I won't...Trust me..." Etemon nodded. He got up. "Um, mind if I take off? I gotta get back to The Dark Network and all."

"Sure, sure! Have fun with your new cards, I got bored with them after about an hour. I like Yu-Gi-Oh cards best. Wanna play sometime?"

"Uh, no, I don't...I don't follow card games that don't involve poker chips," Etemon shook his head.

"Aw...Poker's boring!"

"Not when you got a good hand..." Etemon trailed off. "Thanks again."

"Anything to avoid a boring stuffed Etemon."

Etemon would complain, but being boring is what just saved his ass.

* * *

Piemon's next war council, Etemon was going to show the cards and propose that he be the one sent to conquer Earth when the time was right! This was going to be great, he was going to be the undisputed ruler of Earth! It's a planet full of humans, what did he have to worry about? He was ETEMON!

Etemon found himself looking over the cards one by one as Piemon started his opening speech and throughout the entire rant. He knew he wasn't missing anything important.

"...And that is why I ABSOLUTELY HATE Thursdays! Upon our conquering of the Digital World, Thursday will from then on be known as 'Second Wednesday!'" Piemon finished his opening speech, sitting down and sipping a glass of brandy.

"...If that is the case, I wish a happy 'second Wednesday' to you for tomorrow, Lord Piemon." Vamdemon trailed off, rolling his eyes. Piemon...to call him insane was like calling magma 'warm.'

"Thanks, Vamdemon! You're a pal!" Piemon smiled. "Now, any business?"

"I have some," Etemon spoke up. He stood and cleared his throat. "My fellow Viruses-"

"HEY!" MetalSeadramon spoke up.

"...Piemon, I gotta ask, who's that guy?" Etemon pointed to MetalSeadramon. He 'sat' coiled up next to Mugendramon. He had to use the same entrance as the machine as well.

"Oh, yes, where are my manners?" Piemon stood up and cleared his throat. "Everyone, this is MetalSeadramon. He is our newest Dark Master and the future ruler of the oceans of Spiral Mountain!"

"I get a mountain? Awesome!" MetalSeadramon said.

"No, you get a spiral on the mountain." Piemon corrected.

"...I don't get it."

"None of us do," Vamdemon said.

"Oh, Vamdemon, please, Spiral Mountain will be wonderful! A mountain of forests, oceans and cities with a giant, magnificent palace on the very tippy top!" Piemon threw his arms into the air. "It will be magnificent!"

"...Uh, how can a mountain be made out of oceans?" MetalSeadramon asked. "Water kinda...doesn't work that way. Unless you freeze the oceans, but uh...That kinda defeats the purpose since I gotta, y'know, SWIM to rule my oceans. I don't do ice skating."

"Trust me, you won't have to break out the ice skates!" Piemon shook his head with a smile, then stopped and rested a hand under his chin in thought. "...Oh, but that would be fun...Everyone, this Christmas I want to go ice skating! All of us together! In fact, we could rent a cabin! And build snowmen, go sledding and try to stay up until midnight for Santa Claus and then rob the jolly bastard blind by taking his sleigh and toys! Oh, that would be such a Merry Christmas..."

"...Lord Piemon...Um...Santa is not real..." Devimon said.

"Devimon, I respect you as a strategist and consider you a good friend. But I will NOT stand idly by and let you tell such horrible lies!" Piemon warned.

"My apologies, I must have...just been on the naughty list," Devimon bowed his head. "If you say he is real, then he must be real. I was unaware."

"Oh, I understand, I've been on the naughty list since I was but a wee little Tsukaimon. Didn't stop me from hiding under the tree every Christmas Eve, waiting patiently for Santa to come down that chimney. I had it all thought out, I would put sleeping pills in the cookies and milk, but that's just to keep him out. When his back was turned, I would clobber him with the fire poker and proceed back up the chimney to the waiting reindeer and sleigh filled with more toys than I could ever imagine!"

"You did that, too?" Pinocchimon asked.

"You, too, Pinocchimon? Oh, I always knew we'd find something we had in common!" Piemon smiled. "Let's wait together this Christmas! We'll even break into some 'good' mon's house, so we KNOW he'll land there!"

"Oh, I know the just the mon!" Pinocchimon said.

"Really? Let me guess, um...Is it Elecmon?"

"Yeah! He runs Beginnings, he's GOTTA be on the good list! He takes care of babies all the time, that's...Gotta be good. Stupid, but good."

"WONDERFUL! We'll break in, tie him up, roll him up in a rug and toss him in a closet while we wait for Santa! I'll even let you do the honors of clobbering Old Saint Nick with the poker. I must make the cookies, though. I have the most _delicious _recipe!"

"Can you make a non-drugged batch for us?"

"Of course, what sort of yuletide home invasion is complete without cookies and egg nog?"

Vamdemon and Devimon exchanged a look, the sort of look that said 'I can't believe _THIS_ is who I work for.'

"Uh...Yeah...Not to interrupt, but...Going back to this guy..." Etemon looked to MetalSeadramon. "Why'd you shout when I said 'Viruses.'"

"I'm not a Virus," MetalSeadramon said. "I'm Data."

"...Why's he a Dark Master if he's a Data-type?" Etemon asked. "I mean, I thought you'd let Batsy or me be a Dark Master before you let in a Data type."

"NOT. COOL!" MetalSeadramon shouted.

"I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH DATA TYPES." Mugendramon spoke up. "AND I LIKE THE IDEA OF A SECOND DRAMON. IT MAKES ME FEEL LESS ALONE."

"You're a Dramon?"

"MUGENDRAMON. THE INFINITE DRAGON."

"AWESOME!" MetalSeadramon raised his tail. Mugendramon didn't move. "Uh, dude, five?"

"FIVE WHAT?"

"No, you...Never mind." MetalSeadramon shook his head, then focused on Etemon. "I'm Data and I'm here to stay!"

"Fine, fine, as long as you ain't Vaccine!" Etemon rolled his eyes. "Anyway, like I was sayin' I got THESE!" He held up his cards.

"...Cool, can I trade you for some of Magic: The Gathering cards?" MetalSeadramon said, flatly.

"These are special cards, use 'em in the right order on the right gate and I can go to Earth!" Etemon said.

"...Etemon, where did you come into possession of such an item?" Devimon spoke up.

"Uh, anonymous source, but he's reliable." Etemon said. "This is real, I wanna propose that I be sent to Earth to conquer it in your name, Lord Piemon!"

"That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard," Vamdemon spoke up.

"What's that mean, Batsy?" Etemon turned.

"You, Etemon, are the last man I would ever think to send to Earth for the purpose of conquering it. I wouldn't even send you there to bring me back a pizza." Vamdemon said.

"Hey! Take that back!"

"Okay, fine, you would go to Earth with intentions of conquering it." Vamdemon said.

"That's bet-"

"However, that would only be for five minutes for I am certain you will be distracted by the first record store you see. You will instead throw a massive rock and roll party. Sure, it would probably turn into a riot with wanton violence and desctruction of property but it is still just a party with loud music." Vamdemon said. "You lack the discipline and focus to conquer Earth, In fact, you lack the discipline and focus to even _spell_ Earth."

Etemon growled. "Oh yeah! Well I got the cards, so I'm the one going to Earth!"

"...And do you have the required gateway?" Vamdemon asked.

"Err..." Etemon paused, thinking...Just how the hell DID these cards get him to Earth? Pinocchimon mentioned something about a dimensional gateway, but...

...Crap.

Piemon spoke, "Vamdemon, do you know where one could find such a gateway?"

"In the lower portion of my castle, my servants unearthed such a gateway. I was actually going to bring it up in this meeting," Vamdemon said with a bow. "With those cards, I could be the one to conquer Earth in your name, Lord Piemon."

"Hm, well we do have a bit of a problem, then," Piemon said, he pointed to Etemon. "You have the cards, but not the gate." He pointed to Vamdemon. "You have the gate, but not the cards..."

"Th-These are my cards and it was...M-My idea!" Etemon said. "I should be the one to conquer Earth for you! And I am NOT gonna be distracted by music and parties!"

"If that did not happen, then you would just end up in a zoo with all the other primates," Vamdemon said.

"Shut up, Dracula!"

"...That word is highly offensive to me, Etemon," Vamdemon said with a frown.

"Oh, SORRY!" Etemon threw his arms in the air, then turned and crossed them. "Hmph, I've read scarier Vampires than _you_ in Twilight."

Vamdemon's jaw dropped, he turned away and leaned forward on the table, eyes wide. He let out a quiet sigh.

Devimon stood up and put a hand on Vamdemon's shoulder. "Elder Brother?" He looked genuinly concerned for Vamdemon.

Vamdemon was silent.

Etemon realized what he had done. "...I'm sorry, Vamdemon, that was low and uncalled for. You are not a sparkly vampire in any way, shape or form. Forgive me?"

"...No," Vamdemon said. "But I appreciate the apology." He sat up straight again, sighing lightly. Devimon gave him a pat on the back and went back to his seat, frowning at Etemon.

"Thanks." Etemon said, he turned to Piemon. "Please, let me go to Earth?"

"Hm...I think Vamdemon should. Especially after you hurt his feelings like that." Piemon said. "Really, Etemon, that was completely uncalled for! We keep our insults ABOVE the belt around here!"

"I said 'sorry!'" Etemon shouted.

"Give him the cards, Etemon," Piemon said.

"...Fine..." Etemon sighed, he passed the cards to Vamdemon. "...Promise me one thing, though."

"Yes?"

"...Could ya...go to a rock concert for me? Just one?"

"...I will...think about it..." Vamdemon rolled his eyes, pocketing the cards.

"Thanks."

* * *

Etemon returned to Server the next day, continuing his work on The Dark Network...

Repairs was going better than he had hoped, the new cables were being set up faster and without much problem. He had no idea why the exploded in the first place during the stress test! There was nothing about them that was even explosive, it defied all logic!

"Lord Etemon!" A Gazimon knocked on Etemon's trailer.

"...What is it?" Etemon sighed, looking up from the control console to his Dark Network.

"We have found an...unusual reading from last week's stress test," the Gazimon opened the door. "There was...something tampering with the cables."

"...SomeTHING?" Etemon asked. The Gazimon passed him the report on the readings. "...Datamon, you say?"

The Gazimon nodded. "It seems Datamon was responsible for the...um...Pyrotechnics, let's say."

Etemon crumpled up the paper, growling, "Bring the car around, I got an ass to kick!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" The Gazimon took off to fetch Etemon's car.

Etemon let out a quiet sigh of relief...His Dark Network still had a chance after all...

* * *

Ori's Notes:  
I had a ton of fun with this chapter, too. Pinocchimon especially.

As for the Datamon thing at the end...Well, the series just says he fought Datamon and beat the crap out of him, never said why (or at least, I don't think it did - Like I said, it's been a while since I've watched Adventure). I figured it would give Etemon a bittersweet ending to know his Dark Network was sabotaged rather than glitched.

Well, that's...it for now. We're calling it complete unless something else hits me. And, just wondering for anyone who plans to review: Who are your favorite and least favorite Adventure villains? Just wondering, it might help me get an idea of who to write about in any potential future chapters. I can't promise future chapters but this is a fic I would definitely have a lot of fun continuing.

And just for fun, my favorite was Vamdemon (I love Dark Nobleman type Vampires) and my least favorite...Probably Apocalymon just because he came out of nowhere.

Hope you had fun reading!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

Oh, I felt a little bit sorry for Etemon. Until he actually said that Twilight line to Vamdemon's face, at least. That was truly low, Etemon! You should be ashamed of yourself! Especially when one considers the reaction it got from Vamdemon. He was so hurt by that.

I hope Ori does continue this, I enjoyed reading and editing it.

As for my favorites, I have to say I loved Piemon throughout this fic so I vote for him as my favorite. My least favorite? I don't know. To be completely honest, I liked them all.

-Taiki Matsuki


	5. V Waiting For Santa

The Life Of A Dark Master  
V  
Waiting For Santa

* * *

Christmas time in the Digital World. Christmas Eve, to be exact! Yes, even Digimon celebrated the holiday. A joyous time of year where even the most evil of Digimon felt a hint of the Christmas spirit...

...Save for one very major exception...

"WHERE THE HELL ARE MY CARDS, PIEMON?" A loud voice boomed, looming over the harlequin. Piemon was bowing low, on his hands and knees. This may seem completely out of character for Piemon, but if you knew Apocalymon even half as well as Piemon did you would think he was actually being rather bold by being within a hundred miles of the legendary bringer of death.

"I...haven't the foggiest, Lord Apocalymon."

"LIAR! I know Pinocchimon took them..."

"_So, that's where Etemon got them...I knew Pinocchimon wasn't the...most well sanded plank in the woodpile, but to do THIS? ...Even I have to compliment his boldness, but I cannot fathom such fantastic idiocy! Even for HIM!_" Piemon thought. He spoke, "Lord Apocalymon, with all due respect and more, I am not in complete control of Pinocchimon's actions. In fact, I don't think I have...even the slightest control over him."

Apocalymon growled, hovering over a large pit of lava in the middle of Server's mountains. When Piemon heard Apocalymon had made a personal appearance outside of his usual realm of dispair, he knew something big was going down...Usually, he got a nice letter that said, "Come to my lair. Or else." Okay, that doesn't _sound_ very nice, but it the handwriting is absolutely beautiful if that counts for anything!

Apocalymon shot one of the claws on his, for lack of a better description, 'geometrical mode of transport,' forward, picking up Piemon and bringing him close. "...Listen and listen well, Piemon. You may one day rule this level of the Digital World, but don't forget which one of us can destroy it and a thousand other worlds with a mere thought."

Piemon nodded. "O-Of course, I would never think to pull the wool over your eyes, Lord Apocalymon." Piemon did his best to keep his composure. "I-If I may ask, though, how do you know it was Pinocchimon that stole your...cards, was it?"

"Yes, CARDS..." Apocalymon glared. Another claw raised, in it was a Nintendo DS, some games, a number of Pokemon trading cards and candy. "...Who else would leave this crap behind? ...I did appreciate the hand grenades, though."

"Um...In his defense, I think he wanted to trade. Not steal."

"IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU?"

"...No..." Piemon shook his head, eyes wide. "B-But...Why call me? Surely you, Lord Apocalymon, would be able to...I don't know...turn him into a pile of splinters with a mere thought?" Piemon wondered if he would actually _mind_ that, should it ever happen...

"You know I have limited access to this realm..." Apocalymon said. "You don't."

"Y-Yes, forgive me," Piemon bowed his head, thinking, "Thank the Digital Gods for that...As much as I need to seal THEM away, too." He then spoke, "M-May I also inquire as to why these cards are so special?" He thought it was best to play as dumb as possible, he was even willing to go as far as 'drooling idiot' if need be!

"In the right combination and with a gate, they will open a portal to other worlds," Apocalymon said. "I. Want. Them. Back."

Piemon nodded. "I-I can imagine, but...What use could you have for that? You have limited access outside of your own realm."

"You know my ultimate attack, right?"

Piemon nearly pissed himself at the mere MENTION of that attack! _Grand Death Big Bang_ - An attack that, while it meant Apocalymon's own death, destroyed and killed...EVERYTHING. If he used it in his realm or the Digital World, game over! Same went for Earth! It was entirely possible it would destroy all three if he ever used it! It literally brought about the Apocalypse! Hence the name APOCALYmon, if you actually needed a clue! And given Apocalymon's constant depressed and angry mental state - It's a wonder he's never considered just ending it all at this point.

Piemon gave a slow, terrified nod.

"I would rather not use it, but I want Earth GONE." Apocalymon said. "Five minutes is all I need...Any more, and... ...I hope you've had a good run." Looks like it WOULD destroy all three worlds, no matter where he used it...Lovely.

"I-I see..." Piemon let out a mental sigh, why destroy Earth when you can conquer it? And this bit of information also gave him a reason to avoid returning those cards at all costs. "I-I'll see if I can get them back from Pinocchimon-"

"You'll...SEE?"

"I-I mean...I WILL get them back from Pinocchimon for you! I-In due time, Lord Apocalymon, I promise!" Piemon said. "It...It is Christmas-"

"CHRISTMAS?" Apocalymon shouted.

"Y-Yes, Christmas-"

"What is...Christmas?"

"...E-Excuse me?"

"What is this Christmas you speak of?"

Piemon couldn't believe his ears...Apocalymon didn't know what Christmas was? ...Then again, Apocalymon spent all of his time brooding over his miserable existence in a sub-dimension of the Digital World. "It...It is a holiday, Lord Apocalymon. You...um...well...Everyone celebrates with songs, feasts, candies, cookies and egg nog. A-And, on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus delivers presents to those who have been good that year, and coal to those who have been bad."

"...Interesting..." Apocalymon trailed off, looking away. "...And why is that a hindrance to you getting my cards back?"

"W-Well, at Christmas...Pinocchimon is a little less than... ...cooperative. In any sense. He wants his toys, you see. A-And, well, I cannot control him until the new year. At least!"

Apocalymon growled. "Pinocchimon DARES to defy me?"

"H-He apparently stole from you, Lord Apocalymon, I do believe stealing trumps defiance. With all due respect, I mean." Piemon bowed his head.

Apocalymon growled. "I want my cards back, Piemon. Do not anger me."

"I-I would never dream of doing so!" Piemon may be insane, but not THAT insane.

Apocalymon released Piemon throwing him back to the ground. Piemon landed with a scream, bouncing a couple times before coming to a stop. "...Tell me more of this Christmas."

"...Um...Well, it's a holiday on Earth. I-I don't know the details, something about a baby, a star and a bunch of animals." Christmas became an official holiday in the Digital World when the first set of Chosen Children appeared, centuries ago, it was 'that time of year' on Earth and they would NOT SHUT UP about it. They told all of the Digimon about Santa Claus and giving presents and such to where it became an official holiday in the Digital World the next Winter after they returned to Earth.

Piemon, of course, loved the idea of getting free things. That was his reason for celebrating. That and hard egg nog, can't forget the hard egg nog.

"...And?" Apocalymon asked, unamused.

"W-Well, that's just the origin...You see, every year a being known as Santa Claus has these...things...called 'elves' make toys. He makes a list of everyone in the Digital World and determines whether they've been naughty or nice. He also checks the lists twice. A-And on Christmas Eve, he gets on a magical sleigh pulled by eight reindeer. Oh, and sometimes with one extra reindeer with a glowing red nose - must've been born near a power plant or something, I don't know!" Piemon shrugged. "A-And in that night, Santa Claus will visit every home in the Digital World, go down the chimney and give toys to good Digimon and coal to bad Digimon."

"...I have existed for millenia, Piemon," Apocalymon scoffed. "I have never once received coal or a toy from this so-called 'Santa Claus.'"

"With all due respect, Lord Apocalymon, do you have a chimney?"

"...No."

"There you go, then. You need a chimney."

"...I see..." Apocalymon glanced away.

"I'll give you my coal, if you want."

"I would rather have something ELSE that starts with a C..."

"I-I'll get right on it, I promise!" Piemon said on his hands and knees, bowing. "But, until Christmas is over, you see..."

"...Just get it done." Apocalymon growled. "I must return to my realm, my time here grows short...GET. MY. CARDS. BACK."

"Y-Yes, of course!"

With that, Apocalymon pulled himself and his claws into his 'geometrical mode of transport' and dove into said lava pit, presumably returning to his realm.

Piemon let out a quiet sigh of relief. "...Finally, a meeting with him where I don't need to use that change of pants I always bring." He got up, dusting himself off and floated back to his palace. It was a bit of a trip, but Piemon would rather be even FURTHER from Apocalymon's usual 'meeting place.'

Actually, Piemon changed his mind. He took off in another direction...

* * *

In the darkest forest of Server, stood a magnificent castle. The home of Vamdemon, the King of the Dark Digimon...

...Of course, you could hardly tell by the number of Christmas lights being hung about. Or the giant Christmas tree in the middle of the courtyard.

Piemon walked across the drawbridge into the courtyard, admiring the decor. He stopped in front of the tree, it was still being decorated by Tailmon, Phantomon and PicoDevimon.

"LORD PIEMON!" A voice boomed. Piemon turned to its source, Nanimon. "To what do we owe the honor?"

"Just stopping by," Piemon looked to the sky, the sun was just starting to set. "Don't mind me, I'll wait until Vamdemon wakes up."

"Can we get you anything in the meantime?" Nanimon asked.

"Hm, perhaps some egg nog if you can spare it. Heavy on the spiced rum with a hint of cream liquor."

"I'm on it!" Nanimon bowed (sort of, he was just a head with legs and arms, after all) and walked off.

Piemon approached the tree, a ladder was supporting Tailmon as she hang bulbs. Phantomon was finishing putting up popcorn string while PicoDevimon hang bulbs. "Tailmon, I never saw Vamdemon as one to decorate so...festively." Granted, the bulbs were all black, red and gray with the occasional glitter spider web motif but...It was still more festive than Vamdemon usually was this time of year.

Strangely enough, it was also much, much less festive than Devimon usually got. Devimon loved Christmas, despite being...Well...A devil.

Tailmon turned, holding onto the ladder with one paw and bowing her head. "Lord Piemon. Vamdemon was in an unusually festive mood this year, I think it has to do with finding that gateway in the basement a few months ago."

"Ah, I see," Piemon nodded. "And PicoDevimon?"

PicoDevimon saluted in mid-air, dropping a glass bulb. "C-CRAP! Sorry, Lord Piemon!" The bulb landed a few feet from Piemon, shattering.

"For what? It did not hit me," Piemon smiled. "And if it had, there would be no apology."

"N-No apology?"

"You wouldn't have the time, let's say," Piemon smirked. PicoDevimon whimpered. He wouldn't really delete the little flying bowling ball, however, he WAS Vamdemon and Devimon's family...As much as it pained the two of them to ever admit to it. Piemon drew the line at killing family and friends of his own allies - They had to do their own dirty work on that front! "As I was saying, PicoDevimon, when will the star go up?"

"Oh, um, actually...We put a Devimon on top of the tree." PicoDevimon said. "Like how, y'know, they usually put an Angemon up there."

Piemon nodded. "I can only imagine what Devimon has to say about that."

"He...actually uses the Angemon, he feels putting a Devimon on the tree is too egotistical on his part," Tailmon said. "That's what he told Lord Vamdemon at last year's party."

"Oh, yes, I forgot about that conversation...That was good egg nog that year." It really was, Piemon was amazed he even remembered how good the egg nog was.

"Speak of the devil," Phantomon commented, looking toward the castle. "Or, devil's drink, rather."

Nanimon returned with Piemon's drink. "Lord Piemon."

"Ah, thank you, Nanimon!" Piemon took his drink, sipping it. "Perfect. I must get this recipe at some point!"

"You'll have to ask Lord Vamdemon, he prepared it himself," Nanimon replied with a nod.

"...Vamdemon...makes egg nog?" Piemon asked, failing at hiding his surprise by such a revelation. Vamdemon was the very last person he saw as being 'festive' in any sense. Though, once again, the large tree in front of him conflicted greatly with that view.

"It's a Devi-family recipe!" PicoDevimon spoke up, hanging a bulb. "Devi-nii-san knows it, too!"

"Oh, now that I can imagine," Piemon said. As said, Devimon, unlike Vamdemon or most Dark-type Digimon, was a fan of the holiday season. Though, of all his allies, Etemon was the self-proclaimed Christmas King - though, after an incident involving a bowl of egg nog at room temperature over night, Piemon would never again RSVP to one of Etemon's Christmas parties...That was a Christmas he wished he could forget.

Piemon sat in the courtyard on a stone bench and admired the decorations, Bakemon began to hang wreathes and garland as it grew darker. Vamdemon finally made his appearance, yawning and drinking some steaming hot tea from a goofy-looking Santa Claus shaped mug.

"Tea, Vamdemon?" Piemon asked. "Might I have a cup? This wonderful egg nog is stronger than I realized...Not to complain, of course."

"With all due respect, Lord Piemon, you would not like this tea," Vamdemon replied.

"Why not?"

"It is Peppermint and AB+."

"Oh, yes, I see your point, then," Piemon said.

"Tailmon! Be a dear and fetch Lord Piemon a cup of peppermint tea. With water, of course," Vamdemon said, turning to his tree. Tailmon leapt down from her ladder, landing with a quick bow. She hurried off.

"I hear you're in a good mood this holiday," Piemon said. "Dimensional gates and all, right?"

"Exactly, I even let PicoDevimon's month-worth of begging to let us decorate get to me, as you can see," Vamdemon said with the slightest of smiles. "Care to join me on Earth for the holiday season?"

"Tempting, Vamdemon. A nice way to hit Santa Claus where he lives, too," Piemon chuckled, especially as Vamdemon failed to hide his shock that Piemon still believed in the jolly old elf. "Why don't you believe?"

"As...my younger brother said, I did not because I was on the naughty list," Vamdemon said. It was safer to humor Piemon with things like this, he took such beliefs very seriously. "That is why I assumed he was not real...Until that recent meeting, of course."

"Care to join Pinocchimon and I tonight, then?" Piemon asked.

"E-Excuse me?"

"Pinocchimon and I are going to break into Elecmon's and wait up for Santy Claus!" A wide grin spread across Piemon's face. "I'll bring cookies, Vamdemon! ...And some hot blood and marshmallows for you, if you insist..."

"I...will think about it," Vamdemon said, cautiously. ...An evening with Piemon was one thing, but Piemon and Pinocchimon? Vamdemon wanted to keep sane this holiday. The only thing worse would be Piemon, Pinocchimon and Etemon...

...Granted, he would be dealing with Etemon and his annual 'Caroling.' That had a tendency to annoy Vamdemon more than every previous annoyance that year combined to the power of fifty...And that was just last year when Etemon came down with a sore throat and couldn't perform 'everything he wanted to.' But he sure as hell TRIED...

Tailmon returned with a mug of peppermint tea for Piemon, in a goofy Frosty the Snowman mug.

"Thank you, Tailmon," Piemon took the mug and passed her his emptied egg nog glass.

"Please let me know if you need anything else, Lord Piemon, Lord Vamdemon," Tailmon bowed and left.

Piemon examined his mug. "...Vamdemon, where did you get these? I cannot imagine you buying these things."

"PicoDevimon's 'last minute' shopping last Christmas," Vamdemon replied. "...I admit, the Santa mug has sort of grown on me. The idea of drinking Santa Claus' blood... ...is appealing to me."

"Oh, in that case, I'll let you drain the jolly elf himself if you join Pinocchimon and I..." Piemon trailed off invitingly. "Think about it...I bet you his blood tastes minty!"

Even Vamdemon was a little disturbed by Piemon actually contemplating the exact FLAVOR of Santa Claus' own blood...But, then again, it wouldn't surprise him if Santa Claus did have minty blood, or at least incredibly SWEET blood. ...Then again, Vamdemon was also contemplating the flavor of a _fictional character's_ blood, so the taste was bound only by Vamdemon's imagination...

...Which was currently at bay as Vamdemon, again, asked himself, 'How can I work for someone like this?' ...Oh, right, ability to destroy him in the blink of an eye. That tends to attract workers who enjoy that little thing called 'existence.'

"So, what do you say?"

"...Elecmon's home, you say?" Vamdemon trailed off. Perhaps this wouldn't be all that annoying...

* * *

...Vamdemon hated being wrong.

"Jingle bells! Batmon smells! Batmon thinks he's so bad!" Pinnochimon sang, dancing around Vamdemon (AKA 'Batmon') "The Dark Masters will rule the world! With Batmon as their servant!" ...This was technically true, Pinocchimon loved to point this out to Piemon's more prideful subordinates. Once the Digital World was reconfigured, The Dark Masters would be the ones in charge...Vamdemon would, however, have a nice, cushy position as ruler of all Demon-type Digimon... ...But he still had to answer to Piemon or any of the other Dark Masters.

"I am aware," Vamdemon rolled his eyes. The three Digimon were on File Island, en route to Beginnings, Piemon carrying a cooler full of "snacks." It was quite late and very close to midnight. They would wait for Santa until about three o'clock and then head to Devimon's for a small Christmas get-together. Fresh snow had fallen, though beginnings was configured especially to keep the 'little ones' warm, they would be fine as long as they were in their cribs.

"Pinocchimon, be nice to Vamdemon," Piemon said. "He is more than a servant, do not put him with the likes of, say, an Evilmon or something like that!" Vamdemon appreciated the support from Piemon. "In fact, I am sure Vamdemon would even prove a challenge for even you in a fight." ...That, Vamdemon did not appreciate in the slightest.

"What did you say...?" Pinnochimon stopped dancing around, standing 'ankle' deep in the snow. He raised his bullet hammer, looking to Vamdemon. "You think you're better than I am?"

"_...Yes._" Vamdemon thought. "Of course not, Lord Pinocchimon," Vamdemon said as he bowed his head. "I would never dare do battle with you."

"Oh, come now, Vamdemon, rough him up a little!" Piemon smirked.

"...Lord Piemon, may I ask how much you've had to drink since before we left?" Vamdemon asked, looking to Piemon.

"Only five or six cups of egg nog at Devimon's. I simply must have that recipe, Vamdemon!"

"I am sworn to secrecy, you will have to ask Devimon." Vamdemon said. "PicoDevimon may know it, but I would not trust his memory."

"Oh, a secret family recipe? Not even I can know it?" Piemon smirked.

"He's being insubordinate, run 'im through, Piemon!" Pinocchimon shouted.

Piemon turned to Pinocchimon with a raised finger. "Pinocchimon, this is Christmas Eve! You do NOT kill people on Christmas Eve! You may beat the living crap out of them, you may torture them in unspeakable ways, you may force them in gladiatorial combat - though that one may include their demise but not by your own hand so it technically doesn't count...But where was I? Oh, yes! You may force them to watch you torture their friends and family in unspeakable ways, you may destroy all of their most treasured possessions in front their eyes, you may force them to listen to Etemon belt out his rendition Silent Night in such a way as to make the Angels themselves seek vengeance upon that primate for his complete bastardization of a classic hymn but you DO NOT kill them! Are we clear?"

"I never get to have any fun..." Pinocchimon whined.

Piemon spoke, "And besides, I respect a family secret. I would never force one out of a friend."

"...Friend?" Vamdemon asked, stopping in his tracks.

"Oh, damn, I've said too much," Piemon said with a smirk. He continued off through the snow. "Come! We have a home to invade!"

"...Right..." Vamdemon nodded. How Piemon-like, spending Christmas breaking into some poor bastard's home to wait for Santa Claus...Yep, that's a good 'ol fashioned Piemon Christmas, all right!

As Piemon, Pinocchimon and Vamdemon reached Elecmon's home, Piemon set his cooler aside. "Now, everyone know the plan?"

Pinocchimon nodded enthusiastically, Vamdemon gave a half-hearted, half-embarrassed nod...He could not believe he was going to go through with this...At least, the first part of the plan. He had no qualms with breaking and enterrng, he rather enjoyed that aspect.

Piemon knocked on the front door, he stood between Vamdemon and Pinocchimon. All three began to sing..."We wish you a Merry Christmas! We wish you a Merry Christmas! We wish you a Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!" The three Digimon sang their best.

The front door opened, Elecmon held a tray of Christmas cookies. "Carolers! Merry-DIGITAL GODS HELP ME! IT'S YOU GUYS!"

Before Elecmon could slam his door and barricade it, Piemon rushed forward with a sword drawn. "Seasons Greetings, Elecmon! Allow me to introduce myself..." He trailed off, looking to Elecmon.

"Y-You're...Piemon...Of the Dark Masters..." Elecmon whimpered as Piemon held the sword to his throat.

"Oh, you know me? Wonderful! And I'm sure you know Vamdemon and Pinocchimon, too, then?"

Elecmon nodded, careful to keep his neck as far from that blade as possible while doing so. Sadly, Piemon only afforded him about an inch and a half. "Y-Yeah..."

"Wonderful! Now, you see, it's Christmas and I need your help in getting a gift. Or, rather, a large multitude of gifts!" Piemon said with a smile. "Can you be a pal and help us out? Don't forget, it is Christmas..."

"...Wh-What...are you going to do?" Elecmon asked.

"We're gonna wait under your tree and steal Santa's sleigh!" Pinocchimon shouted.

There was brief silence as Elecmon stared at Pinocchimon, eyes wide, then Piemon, eyes wide and then Vamdemon, eyes wide as possible. He then spoke, "...You're kidding me, right?"

"Are you denying the existence of Santa Claus? YOU of all Mons?" Piemon shouted, insulted.

"N-No! I-I'm just...shocked that...you would use me as a...p-pawn in...such a dastardly scheme..." Elecmon gave Vamdemon a look that said 'you're ACTUALLY part of THIS?'

The look Vamdemon gave Elecmon said 'Not because I want to be.'

"Piemon walked inside with Elecmon in his arms. "Pinocchimon, get the cooler! Vamdemon, help me find a nice rug!"

"...Rug?" Elecmon asked.

"We need to roll you up in SOMETHING when we toss you into a closet, now, don't we?" Piemon asked.

"...Um...Can I just...sit in the closet and promise to be...um...good?" Elecmon asked.

"Hm...Vamdemon, what do you think?" Piemon turned to Vamdemon.

"Would he dare to do otherwise?" Vamdemon asked.

"Good point, which way to your closet?" Piemon asked.

"It's...sorta filled with junk, actually..." Elecmon trailed off. "I don't think I'd fit..."

"...Hm..." Piemon opened the nearest door that said 'closet' to him. Sure enough, it was FILLED with all sorts of crap, from toys and pacifiers for the 'little ones' to all sorts of odd pieces of junk and even a bowling trophy...Which had Leomon's name on it for some reason. "Ye Gods..."

"Sorry...Um...Just between taking care of the babies and all...I-I don't get...a lot of time to clean house..."

"_Obviously!_" Piemon shouted. "...What about throwing him in the bathroom?"

"What if one of us has to use it?" Pinocchimon asked.

"We kindly ask him to wait outside until we're done," Piemon replied. "...Unless THAT is filled with junk, too!" He looked to Elecmon.

"N-No, it's clean." Elecmon shook his head.

"Wonderful! Which way?" Piemon asked. Elecmon pointed, Piemon went through the small home and tossed Elecmon into the bathroom, slamming the door. He finally took a moment to study the interior.

It wasn't much, really, there was a staircase above the closet that led to the bedroom, but the fireplace sat at the back of the small home with the Christmas tree in the middle of the room. "...Wonderful! Let's wait!" He went to the tree and sat down with Pinocchimon and Vamdemon.

"Can we steal his presents?" Pinocchimon asked.

"Is there any sort of gift someone could possibly buy for Elecmon that would interest you, Pinocchimon?" Vamdemon asked.

"...Good point, I'll steal from the babies."

"Even I have to say, _that_ is low," Piemon commented. "I'm _so_ proud of you!" He opened the cooler be brought, pulling out a plate of cookies that said 'For Santa' on the plastic wrap. He pass them to Pinocchimon, saying, "Put these on the hearth...Some milk, too."

"Cookies?" Vamdemon asked.

"To keep him out after we knock out the jolly bastard," Piemon smiled. "They have crushed up sleeping pills in them."

"I see," Vamdemon nodded.

Piemon pulled out a thermos from the cooler, opening it and pouring its contents into the lid. "...Ah, Vamdemon! This is yours!" He passed the thermos to Vamdemon and a small bag of marshamllows. It contained warmed O+.

"My thanks," Vamdemon sipped some of the blood after dropping in a couple marshmallows. "...Where did you get this, if I may ask?"

"I would say you don't want to know, but given who you are..." Piemon trailed off. "Let's just say I have a few openings for servants after some Evilmon tried to break into my liquor cabinet. Big mistake."

"Evilmon tend to lack common sense," Vamdemon mused, sipping his blood.

Pinocchimon came back after dropping off the cookies and milk. He brought the fireplace poker with him. "Hehehe, now what?"

"Now..." Piemon pulled out another plate of cookies, with 'for moi' written on the plastic wrap holding them onto the plate. He took off the plastic wrap, saying, "We eat, drink and wait for our target!"

Pinocchimon wasted no time digging into the cookies while Piemon drank from a thermos of hard egg nog, eating one or two cookies now and then.

Time passed, Vamdemon noticed his superiors were both starting to act...a bit strangely.

"Christmasssss...is ssssooooo muccch...fuuun...!" Pinnochimon let out a yawn. "All the toyssss..."

"I enjoy..." Piemon yawned. "...the...um...the...egg nog...with a hint of cream liquor..."

The two Dark Masters fell asleep, leaning against each other. Both snored loudly.

Vamdemon had the sneaking suspicion that the drugged cookies meant for Santa may have gotten mixed up with the cookies Piemon had made for himself and Pinocchimon. It was times like this Vamdemon was glad he lived off blood, no chances for such slip ups.

Vamdemon got up and looked to a grandfather clock on the wall, it was midnight. They'd been there for about an hour or so. He shrugged and said to himself, "I shall...wake them in an hour, may-"

There was a sudden THUMP on the rooftop. Followed by footsteps. Soot fell down the chimney and, following that soot, a figure came down the chimney and stood before Vamdemon.

Vamdemon stared, his jaw down. "...Santa Claus?"

"Santa_mon_," Santamon smiled, raising a finger to his lips. "Shh..." He went to the stocking hung on the mantle and dropped off a gift, then passed a stunned Vamdemon and looked behind the tree, seeing the two sleeping Dark Masters. "Ah, at it again, I see..." He went back to his sack as ascended up the chimney. Vamdemon simply stood there, stammering.

"...Th-That-That-That..." Vamdemon sat back down, he downed the last of his blood. "...That did not happen. That...simply did...not happen..."

After a few hours, Piemon and Pinocchimon both woke up, Vamdemon feigned having fallen asleep as well. Pinocchimon woke him by shaking him violently. "HOW COULD YOU LET US SLEEP? WE MISSED HIM!" He screamed.

"I-I was powerless against him!" Vamdemon shouted.

"You saw him?" Piemon asked. "What happened?"

"He was prepared, I do not know how he got wind of your plan, Lord Piemon, but with a wave of his hand he put me to sleep as well! I saw him come down the chimney, I was about to tell the two of you but...I had no idea he had some sort of sleep inducing attack or magic, I do not know which!" Vamdemon lied. It was safer than the truth of 'I stood there stammering like an idiot as what I once thought was a fictional character delivered a present to Elecmon.' Granted, he did not expect to see a SantaMON, but...Given the..'eccentricities'...of the Digital World's nature, he should have known better.

"To think, even_ I _could fall victim to Santa Claus' abilities!" Piemon shouted. "A shame, we'll try harder next year. The three of us will get him then!" ...Vamdemon planned on getting a very nasty cold next Christmas.

"That jolly bastard..." Pinocchimon growled. "We'll get him!"

"...Yes, yes we will." Vamdemon rolled his eyes.

"Well, then, to Devimon's! I could use some of that Devi-Family egg nog after this!" Piemon took his cooler and walked out the front, Pinocchimon after him in a huff. The little puppet was not taking this 'defeat' well. Piemon seemed more or less unfazed, he was ready to try again next year.

Vamdemon went to follow, but stopped...He went to Elecmon's bathroom door and knocked. "...We are leaving. It is technically safe to come out. I say technically as Piemon_ does_ know where you live."

"...Did you see him?" Elecmon asked through the door. "Santamon?"

"I. Saw. NOTHING!" Vamdemon replied, leaving. ...He would be sure to get as drunk as Piemon that Christmas in hopes of having a black out similar to what Piemon called 'a VERY Merry Christmas!'

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a sane night...

* * *

Ori's Notes:  
With that whole "Let's wait for Santa" rant in Chapter IV, I sort of HAD to do this. Santamon, of course, is courtesy of the Tamers and Hypnos - both of whom I assume spend every Christmas looking for Santamon (They all even sing about it!). Granted, Hypnos and Piemon have...similar goals.

Of course, like Santamon in this fic, Santa Claus is very real, despite what Vamdemon once thought (and apparently denies). I know Santa Claus is real because he's given me what I asked for...Because Santa's awesome that way. Thank you, Santa, especially for those teas last year! YOU ROCK, SANTA!

Everyone, please, do like Phineas Flynn and THANK Santa this year! And don't be like Piemon, waiting behind your tree with a fireplace poker and drugged cookies...Clobbering Santa Claus and stealing Christmas is NOT COOL! Of course, anyone actually planning to do that should be on the naughty list anyway...In theory, at least.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'll see if I can come up with more for this fic in the coming year! For now, I'm on Christmas vacation 'til January! I got me a DVR of Phineas and Ferb and Christmas specials, a bowl of Christmas candy and a Christmas Turkey in the oven! One that I forgot...about... while...writing...this...fic...

...That smell of smoke is not encouraging...

...MERRYCHRISTMASGOTTAGOBYE!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

Oh, dear! Ori's burnt the Turkey...And possibly more.

And, um, Ori? A-About Santa Claus, well I hate to-No, never mind. Glad he got your those teas last year, and amazing job at somehow managing to stay off the naughty list. We're all very proud of (and genuinly shocked by) that!

I'm always happy to see something with The Dark Masters and other Adventure Villains from Ori. Especially the Kaiser!

Final note: On the profile we have links to some of Ori's old Christmas fics that are still up on his old account for those interested. I highly recommend Koi No Tenshi Maiorite (especially if you're a Vamdemon fan)! The links will be removed on January First (not the fics, though). Ori does request that you ignore the "decades old, craptacular Final Fantasy VIII fics" ASIDE from "Merry Christmas, Squall Leonhart" that is!

Also, Ori has a few Christmas pictures on his DeviantArt account!

-Taiki Matsuki


	6. VI Kaiser Rolls

The Life Of A Dark Master  
VI  
Kaiser Rolls

* * *

Piemon called an emergency war council that evening. Everyone had just arrived, Etemon being the last (as usual). None of his allies knew the reason, but Piemon seemed more than a little upset by whatever it was.

As Etemon, the last to arrive (as usual), sat down, Piemon stood up from his chair and addressed his fellow Viruses and one Data type. "Everyone, we are in trouble! A threat is upon us!"

"Y-You don't mean...Not the Chosen Children! They couldn't have arrived yet!" Devimon said in fear. "I-I'll begin preparations on File Island right away, Lord Piemon!"

"No, even worse! A threat to our hold on the Digital World!" Piemon announced. "Surely, you have all seen that...THING outside! The one that has completely RUINED my view of Server's Login Mountain!"

"...That big, black tower thing?" Etemon asked. "I was kinda wonderin' 'bout that... I figured you got some sorta giant lawn ornament or somethin'."

"Exactly, except I am opposed to lawn ornaments, aside from the gnomes that protect my herb garden from black magic. However, those are practical, not ornamental, so it shouldn't count!" Piemon said. "Anyway, to make matters worse, earlier today I received this message..." Piemon reached into his pocket for a pair of reading glasses, then into the drawer in the council table in front of him. He produced a letter.

Immediately, Vamdemon spoke, "Another blue print, Lord Piemon?"

"Excuse me?" Piemon asked.

"I caught a glimpse of that paper you're holding, it's written in crayon," Vamdemon said.

"That's...actually how it arrived," Piemon said. He set his reading glasses aside. "Perhaps...it would be best to just let you all read it." He passed the paper to Devimon.

"...I can't believe this...Brother, take a look. This has to be a prank from Pinocchimon or something," Devimon passed the letter to Vamdemon.

Vamdemon read the letter.

_Deer Dark Masters,_  
_You are all fools! You'r rain of terrer is at an end! _  
_Soon you will feer the wrath of the Digimon Kaiser! _  
_Mwa ha ha ha ha!_

Vamdemon looked to Piemon, saying, "He actually wrote down his 'evil laugh?'"

"Keep reading," Piemon said.

_I hav in my poseshon Evil Rings that _  
_can controll all Digimon they inslave!_  
_That incloods you, Dark Masters!_

_You should sarrender to me, soon!_  
_OR ELSE!_

_Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!_

_Hate,_  
_The Digimon Kaiser_

Vamdemon passed the letter to Etemon. "...Pinocchimon, what are you aiming at this time?"

"This wasn't me!" Pinocchimon said.

Etemon laughed, "Yeesh, I ain't seen spelling this bad since-"

"-The last time you wrote me a letter?" Vamdemon finished.

"Up yours, Batsy." Etemon rolled his eyes, he passed the letter across the table to Pinocchimon.

"What's wrong with the spelling?" Pinocchimon asked, barely glancing over the letter before passing it to MetalSeadramon and Mugendramon.

"...Yeesh...And, why are we afraid of this idiot?" MetalSeadramon said, looking to Piemon.

"Well, for one, he managed to place that...THING that ruined my view of the mountains without me even noticing it or killing him for even attempting to destroy my view! That's an accomplishment, if you ask me! For two, these so-called 'evil rings' worry me. The ability to enslave Digimon..."

"Lord Piemon, Black Gears can do that, too," Devimon spoke up.

"Yes, and I trust you with them, I would not trust this so-called 'Digimon Kaiser' with them," Piemon said. "Ergo, I am a little concerned."

The doors to the meeting room burst open. LadyDevimon hurried inside. "Lord Piemon, um, someone claiming to be the 'Digimon Kaiser' has...arrived and requests a meeting."

"Send him in, I want to meet this foe," Piemon said.

"But, Lord Piemon, um...About this..."

"Did I stutter?" Piemon asked. "This new threat is one I wish to meet personally, are you trying to prevent that?"

"N-No, my lord, it's just...Um...Well..."

"LadyDevimon..." Piemon trailed off, warningly.

"...I'll go get him." LadyDevimon hurried off.

"Everyone, prepare yourselves. I don't expect someone as bold as this Digimon Kaiser to go down without a fight," Piemon said. "To think, he has the gall to challenge US, The Dark Masters! To demand our surrender! He is either very brave or very stupid! I suspect the former, though the latter would make sense. I mean, how many times have we had a servant who thought 'Oh, I can get away with stealing this _one cookie_' only to find out that no, no they cannot get away with stealing that _one cookie_. And, to be honest, I really would not have missed that one cookie but it's the PRINCIPLE of the thing! I mean, you let them take a cookie, they'll want milk, then...Well, you've all read the book, right? _If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?_ Pinocchimon, I know YOU have, at least. Anyone who hasn't, I'll find my copy and let you borrow it. It's a favorite of mine from when I was a wee little Tsukaimon, I wanted to find a Chuumon and put the book's theory to the test. Of course, Chuumon always hang out with Sukamon and, well, Sukamon are simply disgusting. One of the few things that sickens more more than Numemon and the smell of fish. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. If you give a mouse a cookie! Well, I tell you that it's the same with servants! Give 'em an inch, they'll take a mile! So you have to punish them! Severely! Does the Mouse want a cookie? Too bad! HE GETS NOTHING AND _LIKES IT!_ And if he tries to steal it, we string him up and use him as a pinata until we get that cookie back! ...Granted, no-one will want to EAT the cookie if they actually do manage to get it back. I mean, ew, that's...just disgusting. I don't even believe in the five second rule, to be honest. If my food touches the floor, THEN the servants can have it if they dare! They don't even have to ask, it is no longer something I am interested in eating! They can eat floor food to their hearts' content! ...I wouldn't. Even though I tell my servants I want the floors clean enough to eat off of, I would never actually TEST that! Ugh, disgusting, truly disgusting..." Piemon shuddered, again pulling off a successful war council rant. The others felt something had been missing until this point.

"I say, if it ain't dirty, you can eat it," Pinocchimon said.

"Remind me to get you some nice n' clean cyanide, then, ya little wooden nutjob," Etemon muttered.

LadyDevimon approached the double doors into the meeting room. "P-Presenting...The Digimon Kaiser!"

Piemon stood, eying the door and ready to defend himself against his foe! He had one hand close to his swords, with his other hand ready for a handshake. The old shake n' stab! Let's see how trusting this Digimon Kaiser is...

...Of course, Piemon dropped all that and instead buried his face in his hands in embarrassment as the Digimon Kaiser stepped into the room and ALL of Piemon's allies howled with laughter. Not even Vamdemon could control himself. Nor _MUGENDRAMON,_ if you could believe it! He was playing a .WAV soundbite that resembled a sitcom's laugh track, but it was still laughter. And it was coming from _Mugendramon._

The Digimon Kaiser was a human child - probably no more than six or seven years old. He wore a blue outfit with a matching cape and purple tinted glasses. He spoke in the most threatening voice a child his age could muster, which is to say not very threatening at all. "SURRENDER NOW!"

"...Digital Gods, kill me now..." Piemon muttered. "...Please, PLEASE tell me you're the Digimon Kaiser's son or little brother or SOMETHING!"

The Digimon Kaiser wiped away a tear at Piemon's mention of the word 'brother,' shouting, "NO! I am the Digimon Kaiser! You will all bow down to me!"

"...Dude, where's the camera? Seriously? Awesome joke, Piemon," MetalSeadramon laughed. "Had me goin', man! Had. Me. Goin'!"

"...Unfortunately, this...is not a joke...Just a lapse in judgment..." Piemon groaned. "...And if we don't surrender? ...Dare I ask?"

The Kaiser leapt back. "GO FORTH! EVIL RINGS!" He reached into his pocket, pulling out a handful of little black rings. He threw them at each of the Digimon present. ...They bounced off of them without any effect.

Vamdemon picked up one of said rings. "...This is plastic, it just has digi-code written on it in white crayon..." Another ring bounced off his shoulder. "I think these are napkin rings."

The evil Digimon began laughing harder as Piemon did his best to hide his embarrassment at the situation. He looked up at LadyDevimon.

"I tried to warn you, Lord Piemon..." LadyDevimon trailed off, trying to hold back any sign she was enjoying Piemon's embarrassment.

"...Tell me, Digimon Kaiser, what is the point of that...tower you erected?" Piemon asked, rolling his eyes as the Digimon Kaiser had a giggle at the word 'erected.' As did Pinocchimon and Etemon, but he was used to their sense of humor by now. This was...not the sort of enemy he was used to dealing with in any way, shape or form. It was, actually, like fighting Etemon or Pinocchimon, except less threatening. Much, much less threatening.

"With it, my Evil Rings will control all Digimon in the territory!" The Digimon Kaiser looked down at one of his plastic rings. "Um...I'm still working on the rings, though...I-I thought these would work...I-I have a back up! The Evil Disc!"

"May we...see the 'Evil Disc?'" Piemon asked, already feeling a headache coming on.

The Digimon Kaiser reached behind his cape, he pulled out a black frisbee with digi-code written on it in white marker. "Behold! My Evil Disc!"

Etemon fell forward in his seat and pounded his fist on the table, wiping a tear from his eyes. "O-Oh, man! This is GREAT! Piemon, c-can we...Can we keep him? Please? I mean, THIS IS GOLD!"

"...Mugendramon, do me a favor and blow him up!" Piemon groaned, looking to Mugendramon.

"I AM NOT THE SORT OF MONSTER TO ATTACK A CHILD WITH MY MUGEN CANNONS." Mugendramon replied. "I WILL NOT BLOW UP THE DIGIMON KAISER."

"...Could you try? Just...a little boom? Pretty please?"

"I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO THAT, DAVE."

"Awesome! I loved that movie!" MetalSeadramon laughed.

"WHAT MOVIE?" Mugendramon asked, turning to MetalSeadramon.

"...Never mind..." MetalSeadramon rolled his eyes. Mugendramon, for a supposed being of cold, calculating logic, was weird as _hell_ sometimes. Piemon had once told him that he blamed software glitches, MetalSeadramon was inclined to agree.

Piemon sighed, he decided to humor this so-called "Digimon Kaiser." He sat back in his seat and said, "Well, let us have a meeting. Perhaps...we could... ...ally..."

Etemon tried to speak through his laughter, "Y-Yeah, we...We need someone to...hehehe...run Beginnings for us!"

"The Digimon Kaiser takes no allies or prisoners!" The Digimon Kaiser shouted. "I demand you all surrender! Now! NOW! _NOW!_"

"...Again,_ SOMEONE _BLOW HIM UP!" Piemon looked to MetalSeadramon.

"Dude, he's a little kid," MetalSeadramon said.

"And may I point out our destined rivals are called the 'Chosen _CHILDREN_,'" Piemon said. "Do you expect_ them _to be much older?"

"Yeah, but he ain't a Chosen Child, I ain't obligated to blow him up," MetalSeadramon said.

"I THINK IT IS BENEATH US." Mugendramon added. "I VIEW HIM AS AN ANNOYING NON-COMBATANT AS HE DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE A MAJOR THREAT."

"HEY!" The Kaiser frowned at Mugendramon. "Just for that, you're the first Dark Master I take down!"

"I AM NOT VERY CONCERNED."

"You should be..." The Digimon Kaiser frowned. Mugendramon responded with his sitcom laugh track soundbite. "STOP THAT!"

"NO."

"...Someone, do SOMETHING... And LadyDevimon, get me some aspirin. In fact, just...bring the whole bottle." Piemon groaned. "And a stiff drink. ...Or _twelve!_"

"Wanna play war?" Pinocchimon looked to the Kaiser with a grin.

"I warn you," Vamdemon looked to the Kaiser. "He does not mean the card game and intends to use live ammunition."

The Kaiser stepped back. "Um...I-I don't...wanna play war..." He shook his head.

"Oh, now look, Pinocchimon! You're scaring the poor kid!" Devimon shouted. "Stop it!"

"That's kinda what we do," Pinocchimon muttered.

"Elder Brother, what do you think?" Devimon looked to Vamdemon. Suddenly the Kaiser began wailing. "...C-Crap...Wh-What'd I do?" Devimon looked to the Kaiser. "Wh-What's wrong? Don't cry! Don't cry! Whatever I did, I'm sorry!"

"Devimon...Don't..." Piemon groaned.

"I-I don't like making little kids cry, Lord Piemon...I-It's...Well...There's evil, and then's there just...being a jerk," Devimon replied.

"Agreed," Vamdemon nodded. "Do not blame yourself, Devimon, I think there is some sort of 'issue' here with him, he teared up earlier when Piemon spoke. And I doubt it was fear." He turned to Piemon. "_Not _to imply you are incapable of striking fear into any other child, Lord Piemon. This one just has...a lot of 'chutzpah,' I believe is the term you would use."

"AGAIN! We are destined to fight the CHOSEN! CHILDREN! What the HELL do you people not get about that?" Piemon screamed.

Etemon covered his ears, muttering, "This is...the weirdest meeting we've ever had. And that's sayin' somethin'."

"Agreed," Vamdemon nodded.

"Pinocchimon, don't you have some candy or something on you to make him shut up? Give him a toy!" Piemon shouted.

"HELL NO!" Pinocchimon crossed his arms, looking away with an annoyed expression. Piemon had forgotten that sharing was against Pinocchimon's code of honor.

"Do it OR ELSE!"

"Or else what?"

"...I'll tell Apocalymon who stole those cards of his," Piemon said with a smirk, even though Apocalymon actually knew who stole his cards...Pinocchimon did not know that detail.

Pinocchimon, Etemon and Vamdemon's eyes went wide.

"Y-You...know about that?" Etemon and Pinocchimon said in almost perfect unison, exchanging worried glances.

"Those...are..._Apocalymon's_...?" Vamdemon asked. "I-I-I...C-Cards... Er... E-Etemon, you may have them back! They rightfully belong to you!"

"I don't want 'em!" Etemon shouted.

"I_ INSIST! _Go to Earth! Go to that rock concert! A dozen, even!"

"N-No, you deserve 'em! I hurt your feelings!"

"Think nothing of it! Twilight's Vampires aren't all...that...b-bad..." Vamdemon cringed. "...Excuse me, I need to bite my tongue now..." He let out quiet shudder before doing so. "Ouch."

"ENOUGH!" Piemon shouted, drawing out a sword. That was enough to silence everyone except the Kaiser. "...What is that kid crying about?"

Devimon shrugged. "I asked Vamdemon's opinion and the Kaiser, well, started crying."

"Hm, what was the exact phrase you used?" Piemon asked.

"I believe I said, 'Elder Brother-'" Devimon was cut off as the Kaiser's crying got worse. "...I think we found the sore spot. Some sort of fraternal issues."

"Wha?" Pinocchimon and Etemon gave Devimon a confused look.

"Something about HIS... ...that-word-that-makes-him-cry." Devimon said. "Starts with a B, ryhmes with...'other.'"

"...I see..." Piemon sighed, he couldn't believe he was about to do this... He went over to the Kaiser. "Look! A clown! Whee!" He did a few magic tricks to try to cheer up the young boy. This actually seemed to work after he pulled a yen coin out from behind his ear. After a couple quick tricks, the Kaiser stopped crying. "Feel better?"

The Kaiser nodded, wiping his eyes.

"Now...Um...Tell me, what is your...er, 'goal' as the Digimon Kaiser?" Piemon asked.

"I want to conquer the Digital World," the Kaiser replied.

"Get in line," Etemon said.

"And enslave all Digimon!"

"Whaddya think we're doin'?" MetalSeadramon rolled his eyes. He looked to Piemon. "Seriously, this is sort of...sucking the fun out of what we do."

"Will you surrender?" The Digimon Kaiser asked, again trying to appear threatening.

"...Oh, what the hell?" Piemon raised a handkerchief. "I surrender. You win." He waved the handkerchief about, halfheartedly. "You are the victor, I bow down before you." He then thought, _"The day Satan opens up a snow cone stand, that is."_

"YES! This is the Digimon Kaiser's first step in in conquering The Digital World!"

"...Yes, yes it is," Piemon sighed. "Now, run along and play, O Great Kaiser. We shall conquer more lands in your name!"

"Thank you, you are a good servant! You'll be greatly rewarded once we control the entire Digital World!" The Kaiser smiled.

"Oh, thank you, O Great Ruler...But, if I may make a suggestion?" Piemon began.

"What is it?"

"Get that tower out there and...I don't know, put it... ...somewhere else! Anywhere, but...Where it is now is bad. Very bad."

"...Um...Why?"

"...It's...bad for Feng Shui. It's in the, um, North-Eastern section and...conflicts with the chi flow and you need...water there or...something! ...It's just a bad location! Remember the first rule of evil empires, O Great Kaiser! Location, location, _location!_"

The Kaiser nodded. "I'll do so at once! Continue your conquest in my name!"

"We shall, we shall," Piemon rolled his eyes.

With that, the mighty Digimon Kaiser left his lowly subordinates.

Once they were all sure he had left, Vamdemon spoke, "I assume you were lying through your teeth about that surrender."

"Of course. If he comes back, we'll humor him. Because _someone_," he eyed Mugendramon and MetalSeadramon. "Or rather a _pair_ of someones refuse to harm a child!"

"I didn't see YOU chopping him up with one of your swords, Pie-face," MetalSeadramon said.

"...Touche." Piemon sighed. "...We'll need to work on that if we are to defeat the Chosen Children." Suddenly the concept of 'Chosen Children' made sense, he had always wondered about that choice in the prophecy. Why not Chosen Commandos or Chosen Kung Fu Masters or even Chosen Owners-Of-A-License-To-Conceal-And-Carry instead of Chosen Children? As it turns out, even the most evil of Digimon are no match for a child's innocence...Who'da thunk?

...After all that, Piemon needed a drink, an aspirin and the Digimon Kaiser tied to about twenty sticks of dynamite. Or just the last one. Just that last one would do quite nicely, actually. Especially if he could get it on tape so he could stick it in the VCR whenever he felt a little blue.

The meeting was concluded shortly after, Piemon went straight to bed after a couple glasses of brandy in hopes of forgetting that meeting. At least now The Digimon Kaiser was out of his hair...

...Or so he thought.

* * *

Piemon yawned as he strolled down the halls of his palace, he wanted to work on some more blueprints for Spiral Mountain in his war room. As soon as he entered, he was stunned by what he saw...

...The Digimon Kaiser...

...Sitting down...

...IN _PIEMON'S CHAIR!_

"...What are you doing?" Piemon asked, frowning. He'd killed for less...MUCH LESS!

"Plotting my conquest," The Kaiser replied.

"You're in my chair."

"You work for The Digimon Kaiser, so it's _my_ chair," The Digimon Kaiser replied. ...Piemon suddenly had the urge to run this little pipsqueak through or turn him into a keychain and melt him with a magnifying glass...The latter actually sounded more fun, he would do that the next time an Evilmon forgot its place. Oh, even better! Stick the keychain the microwave!

"K-Ken-chan, please, don't...upset Piemon..." A little voice spoke. Piemon stepped to one side of the table and saw a little green worm sitting in one of the seats. Also in the seat next to him was a stuffed turtle in a top hat. The worm saw Piemon staring at him and immediately cowered, letting out a terrified whimper. The turtle did nothing.

"...Ken?" Piemon looked to the Kaiser.

"Digimon Kaiser," the Digimon Kaiser corrected Piemon, which was a very dangerous thing to do. "I am the Digimon Kaiser!"

"But you...have a name, correct?"

"...Ken Ichijouji. But you are to call me The Digimon Kaiser!" The Kaiser said, he then went back to his project, which was being done in crayon.

That name sounded familiar to Piemon, he just couldn't put his finger on it... He strolled over to Ken to see exactly what he was doing...

...The Almighty Digimon Kaiser was drawing a picture of himself riding an Airdramon with a big smiley face. Below the Airdramon was more than a dozen dark towers, like the one that had appeared. Also the Dark Masters were on a cliff near the flying little dictator, bowing low. The caption was 'My Empire.'

...Piemon was not amused. He reached for a sword. "...Oh, Digimon Kaiser~!" He said in a sing-song voice.

Just then, as Piemon drawn out no more than an inch of his sword, LadyDevimon burst into the room. "L-Lord Piemon! A-A-Apocalymon has sent a message... ...He demands to see you. Immediately."

"...Well this day is off to a lovely start now, _isn't it?_" Piemon groaned, sheathing his sword. He walked out of his war room and down the hall. He looked to LadyDevimon as they neared the main doors. "How the hell did he get back in here, anyway?"

"He...never left," LadyDevimon said. "Once you 'surrendered' he took one of the guest rooms and went to sleep."

"...Really?"

LadyDevimon nodded. "He was SO _adorable_ when I checked on him, he was sucking his thumb and had that stuffed turtle in his arms!"

"Oh, _how cute!_" Piemon clasped his hands together, smiling. He then frowned, shouting, "I WANT HIM _DEAD!_"

"Um..."

"...Not you, too," Piemon groaned. "We are to fight Chosen _CHILDREN_, why is it so hard? You would think fighting Chosen Children would be like shooting fish in a barrel with a cruise missile! I mean, surely you can take candy from a baby, can't you?"

"Yes, but...I wouldn't want to HURT the baby in the process..." LadyDevimon trailed off. "Would..._you?_"

"Depends on what kind of candy we're talking about," Piemon replied, going out through the front doors. "I'll...go meet with Apocalymon...Try to do SOMETHING about that little pest!"

"Will do," LadyDevimon nodded.

Piemon went off to the usual meeting place.

Just as LadyDevimon turned to go back into the palace, Wormmon approached. "...Yes?"

Wormmon bowed, trembling, "Th-The Digimon Kaiser...requests chocolate chip cookies. And milk, please." LadyDevimon had a feeling the Kaiser's 'request' was not as polite as Wormmon had worded it.

LadyDevimon shrugged. "Why not? Fresh baked cookies sounds good."

"M-Many thanks," Wormmon bowed again.

"...So, you are aware Piemon wasn't really surrendering last night, right?" LadyDevimon asked.

"V-Very aware...A-And I've...prepared a will...Just in case." Wormmon said, swallowing. "I-I also wrote one up for Ken-chan."

"Good thinking," LadyDevimon said with a nod.

* * *

Again, Piemon found himself on his hands and knees before Apocalymon. And, again, he was sure it was about his cards...

"Lord Apocalymon, you summoned me...?" Piemon said, bowing low.

"Where are they, Piemon?" Apocalymon loomed over Piemon, floating above the lava pit.

"Th-The Christmas season makes Pinocchimon less than cooperati-"

"LIAR! Christmas is over! Even I know this!"

"...Y-You...H-How do you know, Lord Apocalymon?" Piemon asked, eyes wide. He was sure he could have stretched out that excuse for _at least_ three months!

Apocalymon thrust a claw forward, Piemon ducked in fear and prepared for a blow or to be grabbed...After almost a minute of no pain or sensations of being grabbed and lifted into the air, he opened his eyes...Apocalymon's claw held a copy of '_Chicken Soup For The Soul_.' "...What is this...?"

"I had a chimney installed, Santa Claus gave it to me for Christmas. I very much appreciate it."

"...Y-You...had a chimney installed in...your dimension?" Piemon asked. Apocalymon lived in an endless void, similar to the vacuum of outer space! ...Which, now, had a chimney floating about in it. Of course, this also raised an even more important question - How the hell did _Apocalymon _manage to get on the nice list?

"Yes, so I know Christmas is over..."

"Yes, but Pinocchimon is...still in the spirit, you see," Piemon explained. "A-And, we have...another issue! A new threat! Bigger than the Chosen Children!" This...was crazy enough to work. He hoped.

"...Bigger than the Chosen Children? What sort of threat is this?"

"The Digimon Kaiser, Lord Apocalymon!" Piemon explained, silently praying the Digimon Kaiser wasn't stupid enough to try his antics on Apocalymon before him. "He has the power to...CONTROL DIGIMON!"

"...So does Devimon."

"Yes, but Devimon is on our side," Piemon said, quickly. "The Digimon Kaiser attacked us in the middle of our war council last night! He even placed one of his 'Dark Towers' near Login Mountain! He made MetalSeadramon and Mugendramon powerless against him, they couldn't raise a finger to stop him!"

"That...sounds like quite a foe. And what exactly does this Digimon Kaiser mean to accomplish?"

"Complete and utter control of the Digital World, what else?" Piemon shrugged. "We're pooling every resource we have against him, but...My Lord, he's still at my palace! We feigned surrender to trick him, you see, but he's a crafty one. He won't be fooled for long..."

"...In that case, deal with this threat," Apocalymon said. "Let me know when he is dealt with. ...But don't forget - I. Want. My. Cards."

"O-Of course, I will retreive them for you once The Kaiser is dealt with!" Piemon said, quickly. "We're...quite at a loss, Lord Apocalymon, I have never dealt with such a foe before in my entire life!" That was actually true, but not in the way Apocalymon took that detail.

Apocalymon withdrew his claw and took his book before going inside of his 'geometrical mode of transport' and returning to his realm.

Piemon let out a sigh of relief, suddenly THANKFUL for Ken's existence. He returned to his home, thinking, _"If I can put up with that little brat, then I suppose his ability to keep Apocalymon from screaming about those stupid cards will be worth it..."_

Once he returned to his palace, however...

"...LadyDevimon, what are you doing?" Piemon asked, LadyDevimon was leaning forward against a wall near the entrance.

"The Digimon Kaiser wants to place hide and seek...Well, actually, Kame-chan does-"

"_Kame-chan?_"

"His stuffed turtle."

"...The stuffed turtle...wants to play hide and seek?" Piemon asked.

LadyDevimon turned, visibly embarrassed. "W-Well, the Kaiser speaks FOR Kame-chan, obviously, but... ...He's_ so adorable,_ Lord Piemon! I couldn't say no!"

"...LadyDevimon, promise me-And I don't care if you lie right now, I just want to hear it-PROMISE ME that when the actual Chosen Children arrive YOU WILL SLAUGHTER THEM LIKE PIGS WITHOUT RESTRAINT NO MATTER HOW 'ADORABLE' YOU THINK THEY ARE!"

"...I promise," LadyDevimon said. "...Are you going to slaughter Ken now?" She pouted.

"...Actually, no, I have a use for the little brat after all...But... ...Keep him out of my hair and out of my seat in the war room!" Piemon demanded.

"I-I'll do what I can, he's...about as controllable as Pinocchimon, but..."

"..._Adorable_, right?" Piemon said, flatly and rolling his eyes. "I swear, this is...such an embarrassment..."

"LADYDEVIMON! WE'RE READY!" The Kaiser's voice rang through the halls.

LadyDevimon looked to Piemon. "Um..."

"...Go on," Piemon sighed. "I'll be...trying to drink away any memory of the past twenty-four hours..." He groaned, walking off.

"Thank you, Lord Piemon," LadyDevimon bowed, then hurried down the hall. "Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!" She called.

"...Again, he keeps...Apocalymon at bay...That's...so much more important..." Piemon muttered, making a quick stop at his bathroom for as much aspirin as he could find...

...At least this "feigned surrender" wouldn't do much to his reputation. I mean, who would actually believe Piemon would actually surrender to a human child...?

* * *

Years later...

* * *

The Digimon Kaiser stood on a hill with Wormmon beside him, staring down his rivals... "Ah, you are the original Chosen Children, are you not?" He pointed his whip to the older Chosen Children standing behind the new generation.

Taichi nodded. "Yeah, do we know you...?"

"You may have defeated my servants years ago, but I won't go down so easily!" The Kaiser shouted. "You won't win again!"

Wormmon let out a quiet groan, "Ken-chan... ...Really? After all these years...?"

"...Your...servants...?" Koushiro asked.

"YEARS ago?" Sora added.

"What...servants of yours...did _we_ fight?" Jyou asked, scratching his head.

"The Dark Masters, of course!" The Kaiser shouted. "They conquered this world once in my name, and I shall see to it I have it again! To think my most powerful minions could lose to the likes of you...I was very disappointed in Piemon."

The original Chosen Children gave The Kaiser a blank stare.

"...You're kidding, right?" Takeru asked. He looked to Wormmon, who shook his head with a pained 'I know, I know' sort of look.

"I'm_ not_ joking!" Ken snapped with a frown at Takeru. "Piemon himself surrendered to me upon our first meeting! THAT is what sort of opponent you are up against now!" The Kaiser boasted with a smirk. "I'd suggest you do the same if you value your lives..." He let out a dark chuckle.

Taichi and Yamato exchanged glances. "...This kid's...got a few screws loose, I think," Taichi whispered.

"Totally..." Yamato nodded. "Piemon would NEVER put up with that guy for more than two minutes."

"Not without chopping him in half..." Koushiro added.

"I mean, who the hell would believe that?" Yamato chuckled.

"So _you're_ the evil mastermind behind the Dark Masters!" Daisuke shouted, pointing a finger at The Kaiser. "We'll NEVER surrender to the likes of you!"

The original Chosen Children let out annoyed groans, as did the new generation. The Kaiser just let out an evil chuckle...

* * *

Ori's Notes:  
The Kaiser had to get his start somewhere, didn't he?

I just thought it'd be fun to throw a young Digimon Kaiser into the mix. And it's always fun to annoy Piemon with the most ridiculous things possible. And what could be more ridiculous than a megalomaniacal six year old Ken Ichijouji?

There's going to be a handful of people on FFN that will find Mugendramon's refusal to blow up the Kaiser much, much funnier than most of the other people reading this chapter (Taiki's one of them, I know that much). If you are one of those people, please let us know - I kinda wanna know how many people really do remember Mugen E.

Hope you enjoyed! And, since it's still that time of year, Merry Christmas!

* * *

Taiki's Notes:

The Kaiser? You actually included _The Digimon Kaiser_? YES! THANK YOU! And, like he said, I am definitely one of that handful of people who would find Mugendramon's refusal to blow him up to be especially hysterical.

I'm starting to wonder if this fic is a "replacement" of sorts for Mugen E, now.

-Taiki Matsuki


End file.
